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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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David Cameron To Scottish People: ‘I’ll Kill Myself If You Leave’

LONDON—In an emotional public address this morning ahead of Thursday’s national referendum in Scotland, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron pleaded with the Scottish people to stay and vowed that he would take his own life if the territory votes in favor of independence. “Scotland, the second you leave I will kill myself—I swear I’ll do it,” said a visibly disheveled Cameron, who spoke with a shaking voice and appeared at several points during the speech as if he was on the verge of breaking down in tears. “How can I go on living if you’re gone? If you vote yes to independence, that’s it—you can say goodbye to me right now, because I’ll be dead the next time you see me. Just look at what you’re doing to me!” At press time, Cameron was seen sobbing softly and climbing up the stairs to the top of Parliament’s Elizabeth Tower.

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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

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