David Copperfield Once Again Tops The Onion’s Annual List Of World’s Most Powerful People

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

David Copperfield Once Again Tops The Onion’s Annual List Of World’s Most Powerful People

The Onion is proud to announce that in 2013, for the third year running, the newspaper’s title of World’s Most Powerful Person has been awarded to magician David Copperfield.

Though hundreds upon hundreds of names were considered by The Onion editorial board—individuals such as David Blaine, Criss Angel, Penn & Teller, and The Amazing Wayne of Clearwater, FL—it should come as no surprise that Mr. Copperfield has again risen above all others by virtue of his ability to physically bend time and space to his will through the indestructible power of magic.

To compile its annual list, The Onion measures all candidates along three crucial dimensions. Firstly, does the candidate possess telekinetic powers? In this respect, Mr. Copperfield has had very little competition. Not only can he levitate freely above the ground, defying gravity itself, but he is also capable of making the entire Statue of Liberty—a structure that stands at over 150 feet tall and weighs roughly 450,000 pounds—disappear and reappear at will. While The Onion was thoroughly impressed by the feats of other candidates, the fact that light beams shone directly through where the Statue of Liberty stood before disappearing provided more than enough evidence of Mr. Copperfield’s terrifying power. It is still unclear whether Mr. Copperfield merely rendered the statue invisible or whether he in fact opened a pocket dimension in which to temporarily move the statue, but the extent of his powers is staggering and clearly almost limitless.

The second criteria is, can the candidate survive what would otherwise be considered fatal amounts of physical trauma? Can they remain suspended upside down in a water tank for several minutes while escaping from a tightly strapped straitjacket? Or catch a bullet with their teeth? Criss Angel, for instance, is able to endure being run over by a full-sized steamroller and remain fully intact. However, in the view of The Onion board, no such feats of strength can match Mr. Copperfield’s capacity to survive being sawed entirely in half by a large circular blade—and not only survive, but maintain consciousness and move his feet after his lower body was completely separated from his torso. Perhaps in an even greater demonstration of his power, Mr. Copperfield can then reattach his lower half, stand up, and go about his day as though nothing happened. This, in the opinion of The Onion, demonstrates a power far greater—and far more terrifying—than any other human being alive today.

Indeed, the editorial board of this newspaper believes that Mr. Copperfield cannot, in fact, be killed.

And in the third and final metric, The Onion measures a candidate’s ability to bend the laws of the universe and subvert the natural forces that seemingly govern all things. While The Amazing Wayne deserves honorable mention for making a playing card hover several inches above its deck, this category is where Mr. Copperfield has truly been a standout. One must only consider his feat of walking through the Great Wall of China, during which he alters the entire molecular structure of his own body in such a way that he is rendered intangible, to clearly see that all forces of nature are indeed at Mr. Copperfield’s fingertips.

We at The Onion are in total awe of Mr. Copperfield, and he is very much worthy of this year’s title of World’s Most Powerful Person. He truly has no limits whatsoever, or at least not the same limits that apply to everyday people. Moreover, it is our firm and undying hope that Mr. Copperfield will continue to use his fearsome—one might even say godlike—powers for good, and not for evil and destruction. For should Mr. Copperfield’s temperament ever change, he could quite easily, from what he has demonstrated thus far, bring the very world to its knees. That he has not done this already only serves to show that his character and will are as strong as his magical abilities.

The Onion’s commemorative “Most Powerful People” issue will be available on newsstands everywhere this Friday and features the full 10,000-person list, as well as a 12-page photo spread of David Copperfield.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close