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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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David Duval Still Shilling Nike Golf Products Years After Contract Runs Out

CHERRY HILLS VILLAGE, CO—Even though his sponsorship deal with Nike expired more than eight years ago, former world No. 1 golfer David Duval is still appearing on courses and in stores actively promoting the brand's products to anyone who will listen, sources confirmed Thursday. "He's in here about twice a week putting a Nike VR Pro driver in somebody's hands and asking them to take a few swings," said local Sports Authority manager Aaron Camacho, adding that Duval hangs around the store's golf aisles in his full Nike gear for hours at a time. "We've thought about kicking him out, but he's used and read about these products more than any of us on staff, and to tell you the truth, he's purchased more of our Nike stuff than any other customer." Though Nike officials have reportedly thanked Duval for his loyalty and sent him free products in an effort to persuade him to disassociate himself from the company, he continues to be seen in public wearing a threadbare Nike shirt adorned with the brand's patch honoring the victims of 9/11.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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