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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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David Freese Swarmed In St. Louis By Hordes Of Swooning, Average-Looking Women

ST. LOUIS—In the wake of his MVP performance in the World Series, St. Louis Cardinals third baseman David Freese has been constantly surrounded this week by dozens of swooning, average-looking women. "It's flattering to see so many plain women flocking to me, especially considering most of them look like they’ve probably popped out a couple kids and had to hire a babysitter in order to come out," Freese said as one woman, who wasn't exactly homely but certainly would never be described as attractive, planted a kiss right on his cheek. "My girlfriend was a little worried about all the attention I was getting at first, but then, you know, just get a load of all these fives. She's got nothing to worry about." Freese did admit it was better to be surrounded by legions of so-so women than the creepy, aging men carrying microphones who kept hounding him in the immediate aftermath of Game 7.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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