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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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David Koch Delivers Suit With Note Reading ‘Wear This Tonight’ To Marco Rubio’s Hotel Room

NEW YORK—Leaving the package directly on the center of the bed for the senator to discover upon his arrival, billionaire industrialist David Koch delivered a suit with a note reading “Wear this tonight” to Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s room at the Waldorf Astoria hotel Wednesday, sources confirmed. “Cannot wait to see you in this,” read the message handwritten on textured card stock and sealed in an envelope stamped with a red wax “K,” which sources confirmed was affixed to a Valentino box containing a black three-piece single-breasted suit that, upon slipping it on, Rubio discovered was tailored to his exact measurements. “You’ll find me in the ballroom at 7:30.” Sources later confirmed that, after examining his reflection in a full-length mirror, Rubio wiped away a single tear, took a deep breath, and walked out his hotel room’s door.


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