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David Koch Delivers Suit With Note Reading ‘Wear This Tonight’ To Marco Rubio’s Hotel Room

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Election 2016

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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David Koch Delivers Suit With Note Reading ‘Wear This Tonight’ To Marco Rubio’s Hotel Room

NEW YORK—Leaving the package directly on the center of the bed for the senator to discover upon his arrival, billionaire industrialist David Koch delivered a suit with a note reading “Wear this tonight” to Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s room at the Waldorf Astoria hotel Wednesday, sources confirmed. “Cannot wait to see you in this,” read the message handwritten on textured card stock and sealed in an envelope stamped with a red wax “K,” which sources confirmed was affixed to a Valentino box containing a black three-piece single-breasted suit that, upon slipping it on, Rubio discovered was tailored to his exact measurements. “You’ll find me in the ballroom at 7:30.” Sources later confirmed that, after examining his reflection in a full-length mirror, Rubio wiped away a single tear, took a deep breath, and walked out his hotel room’s door.


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