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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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David Ortiz Asks Kansas City Grounds Crew To Turn Off Stadium Lights So Teams Can See All The Stars

KANSAS CITY—After the seventh-inning stretch of Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game, Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz spoke to several members of the Kauffman Stadium grounds crew requesting they turn off all the lights, as the evening had grown dark enough for both teams to see all the stars they were brought there to see. "All these bright lights scare the stars away, but this is the game where we're supposed to see them all, so we need to turn off the lights to help them come out," said Ortiz, adding that he hoped the stars in Kansas City would be as good as the ones he saw in Arizona last year. "I keep getting invited back because I know all the shapes the stars make, like the big baseball bat and the ‘W’ and the triangle and the one that looks like home plate if it was kind of shorter in one part." After several crew members, umpires, and teammates informed Ortiz that the lights would in fact not be turned off, the Boston slugger refused to move from the AL bench or speak to anybody about the game unless they called it the "No-Star Game."

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