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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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David Ortiz Asks Kansas City Grounds Crew To Turn Off Stadium Lights So Teams Can See All The Stars

KANSAS CITY—After the seventh-inning stretch of Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game, Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz spoke to several members of the Kauffman Stadium grounds crew requesting they turn off all the lights, as the evening had grown dark enough for both teams to see all the stars they were brought there to see. "All these bright lights scare the stars away, but this is the game where we're supposed to see them all, so we need to turn off the lights to help them come out," said Ortiz, adding that he hoped the stars in Kansas City would be as good as the ones he saw in Arizona last year. "I keep getting invited back because I know all the shapes the stars make, like the big baseball bat and the ‘W’ and the triangle and the one that looks like home plate if it was kind of shorter in one part." After several crew members, umpires, and teammates informed Ortiz that the lights would in fact not be turned off, the Boston slugger refused to move from the AL bench or speak to anybody about the game unless they called it the "No-Star Game."

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