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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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David Ortiz Asks Kansas City Grounds Crew To Turn Off Stadium Lights So Teams Can See All The Stars

KANSAS CITY—After the seventh-inning stretch of Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game, Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz spoke to several members of the Kauffman Stadium grounds crew requesting they turn off all the lights, as the evening had grown dark enough for both teams to see all the stars they were brought there to see. "All these bright lights scare the stars away, but this is the game where we're supposed to see them all, so we need to turn off the lights to help them come out," said Ortiz, adding that he hoped the stars in Kansas City would be as good as the ones he saw in Arizona last year. "I keep getting invited back because I know all the shapes the stars make, like the big baseball bat and the ‘W’ and the triangle and the one that looks like home plate if it was kind of shorter in one part." After several crew members, umpires, and teammates informed Ortiz that the lights would in fact not be turned off, the Boston slugger refused to move from the AL bench or speak to anybody about the game unless they called it the "No-Star Game."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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