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David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

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How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing around in the Kauffman Stadium fountain behind the outfield fence in Kansas City, sources confirmed Wednesday. "It came up from under the water and was looking around with its stethoscope [sic], but I think it was lost and might have been at the wrong game," said Ortiz, who reportedly waved enthusiastically at the submarine in the top of the third inning while striking out with the bases loaded. "It was probably one of those that people flush down the toilet when it's a little submarine because they don't want it anymore, and then it grew super big inside the sewer eating rats." Red Sox sources confirmed that after the game Ortiz searched for the submarine in the locker room by peering into a sink's drain, inspecting a shower nozzle, and checking underneath a urinal cake.

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