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David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing around in the Kauffman Stadium fountain behind the outfield fence in Kansas City, sources confirmed Wednesday. "It came up from under the water and was looking around with its stethoscope [sic], but I think it was lost and might have been at the wrong game," said Ortiz, who reportedly waved enthusiastically at the submarine in the top of the third inning while striking out with the bases loaded. "It was probably one of those that people flush down the toilet when it's a little submarine because they don't want it anymore, and then it grew super big inside the sewer eating rats." Red Sox sources confirmed that after the game Ortiz searched for the submarine in the locker room by peering into a sink's drain, inspecting a shower nozzle, and checking underneath a urinal cake.

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