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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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David Ortiz Claims He Just Saw Submarine In Kansas City Royals Fountain

KANSAS CITY, MO—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz excitedly informed everyone in his team's dugout that he had just spotted a submarine splashing around in the Kauffman Stadium fountain behind the outfield fence in Kansas City, sources confirmed Wednesday. "It came up from under the water and was looking around with its stethoscope [sic], but I think it was lost and might have been at the wrong game," said Ortiz, who reportedly waved enthusiastically at the submarine in the top of the third inning while striking out with the bases loaded. "It was probably one of those that people flush down the toilet when it's a little submarine because they don't want it anymore, and then it grew super big inside the sewer eating rats." Red Sox sources confirmed that after the game Ortiz searched for the submarine in the locker room by peering into a sink's drain, inspecting a shower nozzle, and checking underneath a urinal cake.

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