David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning

BOSTON—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Monday that he believes an intermission similar to the seventh-inning stretch—but even better—happens midway through the 70th inning of a baseball game. "Inning 70 is when you slow things down and just take it easy-going for a while, you know. I think it's called the big break," said Ortiz, who mentioned that he had been "very disappointed" in May when a Red Sox–Orioles game ended after only 17 innings. "Everybody gets up to dance and also they sing a special song, like, 'It's the break. It's the break. It's the big, big break.' There are lots of tables on the field with food on them, and even a guy doing magic tricks. From what I see, it don't get no better than the 70th-inning big break." When informed that current MLB rules already include short breaks in the 14th inning, the 21st inning, and so on, Ortiz assured reporters that the big break was "bigger than them all."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close