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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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David Ortiz Convinced There's Something Like The 7th-Inning Stretch But For The 70th Inning

BOSTON—Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz told reporters Monday that he believes an intermission similar to the seventh-inning stretch—but even better—happens midway through the 70th inning of a baseball game. "Inning 70 is when you slow things down and just take it easy-going for a while, you know. I think it's called the big break," said Ortiz, who mentioned that he had been "very disappointed" in May when a Red Sox–Orioles game ended after only 17 innings. "Everybody gets up to dance and also they sing a special song, like, 'It's the break. It's the break. It's the big, big break.' There are lots of tables on the field with food on them, and even a guy doing magic tricks. From what I see, it don't get no better than the 70th-inning big break." When informed that current MLB rules already include short breaks in the 14th inning, the 21st inning, and so on, Ortiz assured reporters that the big break was "bigger than them all."

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