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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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David Ortiz, Jason Bay Yet To Complete Elaborately Choreographed Handshake

BOSTON—Upon returning to the dugout following a two-run homerun Sunday, Red Sox Nos. 3 and 5 hitters David Ortiz and Jason Bay were unable to finalize the choreography of what will eventually become their signature congratulatory handshake. "No. You always point up to Jesus last," said Ortiz, Boston's leading slugger and head choreographer. "I like you, Jason. You're funny. But, come on, it goes slap, slap, bash, nod, hug, spin, slap, pose, cross arms, point. Not slap, slap, bash, nod, hug, spin, point, slap, cross arms, pose. I don't know why we would ever do that." In addition to their handshake woes, Ortiz and Bay have announced a delay in creating a dual nickname for themselves after Kevin Youkilis told them that "Jason Ortiz" was stupid and would never catch on.

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