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Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle

DAYTON, OH—A day of web surfing poetically ended just as it began Monday, when a random string of links brought area man Howard Nagel back to the same Facebook page on which he started nine hours earlier.

According to Nagel's browser history, he followed a friend's music recommendation link to Amazon, wound through MySpace, eBay, and Craigslist, then spent several hours watching YouTube videos before ultimately following an IMDB comment-board posting back to the original Facebook page that began his epic odyssey.

"And thus, the great cycle of life continues," said Nagel, pondering the mysteries of existence as his day online drew to a close. "One more full spin of the wheel of destiny." Nagel said that he was looking forward to another "once-in-a-lifetime electronic journey" Tuesday or possibly Wednesday.

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