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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Day Spent On Internet Comes Full Circle

DAYTON, OH—A day of web surfing poetically ended just as it began Monday, when a random string of links brought area man Howard Nagel back to the same Facebook page on which he started nine hours earlier.

According to Nagel's browser history, he followed a friend's music recommendation link to Amazon, wound through MySpace, eBay, and Craigslist, then spent several hours watching YouTube videos before ultimately following an IMDB comment-board posting back to the original Facebook page that began his epic odyssey.

"And thus, the great cycle of life continues," said Nagel, pondering the mysteries of existence as his day online drew to a close. "One more full spin of the wheel of destiny." Nagel said that he was looking forward to another "once-in-a-lifetime electronic journey" Tuesday or possibly Wednesday.

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