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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Daytime-Talk-Show Mixup Leads To 1,000-Pound- Man Makeover

NEW YORK—In a mix-up Ricki Lake producers called "deeply regrettable," 1,000-pound Willard Hoskins, 37, was removed from his Paramus, NJ, home by forklift and transported to the posh Richard Stein Salon on Madison Avenue for a thorough beauty makeover Monday. "Let's see Willard's stunning new look!" Lake told the studio audience as Hoskins was wheeled out in a sequined black garment made from two king-size bed sheets to the accompaniment of throbbing disco music. "Wow, you look great!" The episode is believed to be daytime television's worst mix-up since Maury Povich sent a group of disfigured children to boot camp in 1999.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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