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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Daytona-Area Hit-And-Run Suspect Returns To Scene Of Crime Every 47.72 Seconds

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Local police investigating a near-fatal Daytona Beach hit-and-run case say that the perpetrator has very likely returned to the scene of the crime every 47.72 seconds after critically injuring a visiting race fan earlier today. "We have several dozen reports of a man matching the description of our suspect, who multiple witnesses identify as a Caucasian male in his mid-30s to early 40s driving a colorfully painted late-model domestic sedan, passing by the crime scene at extremely regular intervals without stopping or slowing since striking the victim this morning," investigating officer Crocker Burnett told reporters earlier today. "Unfortunately, the incident occurred in an extremely high-traffic area, and furthermore, due to local traffic velocity, officers' attempts to pull over the large number of recurring motorists on this particular stretch of road who match the description have thus far proven fruitless." Police say the victim, who some say seemed to recognize either his assailant or his assailant's car, has not yet regained consciousness after being catapulted several hundred yards by a car that was almost certainly traveling at extralegal speeds.

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