CLEVELAND—Calling it a complete and utter failure not worthy of Major League Baseball, sources at Progressive Field confirmed Monday that the stadium’s pathetic home run animation doesn’t even show a baseball screaming as it leaves Earth and flies into outer space.
DAYTONA BEACH, FLLocal police investigating a near-fatal Daytona Beach hit-and-run case say that the perpetrator has very likely returned to the scene of the crime every 47.72 seconds after critically injuring a visiting race fan earlier today. "We have several dozen reports of a man matching the description of our suspect, who multiple witnesses identify as a Caucasian male in his mid-30s to early 40s driving a colorfully painted late-model domestic sedan, passing by the crime scene at extremely regular intervals without stopping or slowing since striking the victim this morning," investigating officer Crocker Burnett told reporters earlier today. "Unfortunately, the incident occurred in an extremely high-traffic area, and furthermore, due to local traffic velocity, officers' attempts to pull over the large number of recurring motorists on this particular stretch of road who match the description have thus far proven fruitless." Police say the victim, who some say seemed to recognize either his assailant or his assailant's car, has not yet regained consciousness after being catapulted several hundred yards by a car that was almost certainly traveling at extralegal speeds.