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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Daytona-Area Hit-And-Run Suspect Returns To Scene Of Crime Every 47.72 Seconds

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Local police investigating a near-fatal Daytona Beach hit-and-run case say that the perpetrator has very likely returned to the scene of the crime every 47.72 seconds after critically injuring a visiting race fan earlier today. "We have several dozen reports of a man matching the description of our suspect, who multiple witnesses identify as a Caucasian male in his mid-30s to early 40s driving a colorfully painted late-model domestic sedan, passing by the crime scene at extremely regular intervals without stopping or slowing since striking the victim this morning," investigating officer Crocker Burnett told reporters earlier today. "Unfortunately, the incident occurred in an extremely high-traffic area, and furthermore, due to local traffic velocity, officers' attempts to pull over the large number of recurring motorists on this particular stretch of road who match the description have thus far proven fruitless." Police say the victim, who some say seemed to recognize either his assailant or his assailant's car, has not yet regained consciousness after being catapulted several hundred yards by a car that was almost certainly traveling at extralegal speeds.

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