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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement

ASHEVILLE, NC—The deceased daughter of James and Martha Hagerty would have wanted her parents to relentlessly pursue a $220 million liability settlement against the manufacturer of the allegedly defective merchandise that caused her death, the family announced Wednesday. "While Kaylee is no longer with us, we know she'd be absolutely heartbroken if we agreed to a payout that didn't reach well into the nine figures," read a statement from the Hagertys, who have fought tooth and nail to secure a multimillion-dollar penalty from Nordic Window Fashions, the company they contend sold faulty pull-cord venetian blinds and thus bears responsibility for Kaylee's fatal 2009 strangulation. "Wherever my baby girl is now, she's looking down on us and smiling as we initiate proceedings toward a multipart civil settlement that includes lump-sum compensatory and punitive damages, along with attorneys' fees and prejudgment interest." The Hagertys' lead attorney, Bryson Tuttle of Tuttle-Wembert P.C., echoed his clients' sentiment, adding that Kaylee would never have settled for Nordic's latest offer of $150 million and would in fact have considered it "a complete insult."

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