adBlockCheck

Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement

ASHEVILLE, NC—The deceased daughter of James and Martha Hagerty would have wanted her parents to relentlessly pursue a $220 million liability settlement against the manufacturer of the allegedly defective merchandise that caused her death, the family announced Wednesday. "While Kaylee is no longer with us, we know she'd be absolutely heartbroken if we agreed to a payout that didn't reach well into the nine figures," read a statement from the Hagertys, who have fought tooth and nail to secure a multimillion-dollar penalty from Nordic Window Fashions, the company they contend sold faulty pull-cord venetian blinds and thus bears responsibility for Kaylee's fatal 2009 strangulation. "Wherever my baby girl is now, she's looking down on us and smiling as we initiate proceedings toward a multipart civil settlement that includes lump-sum compensatory and punitive damages, along with attorneys' fees and prejudgment interest." The Hagertys' lead attorney, Bryson Tuttle of Tuttle-Wembert P.C., echoed his clients' sentiment, adding that Kaylee would never have settled for Nordic's latest offer of $150 million and would in fact have considered it "a complete insult."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close