adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement

ASHEVILLE, NC—The deceased daughter of James and Martha Hagerty would have wanted her parents to relentlessly pursue a $220 million liability settlement against the manufacturer of the allegedly defective merchandise that caused her death, the family announced Wednesday. "While Kaylee is no longer with us, we know she'd be absolutely heartbroken if we agreed to a payout that didn't reach well into the nine figures," read a statement from the Hagertys, who have fought tooth and nail to secure a multimillion-dollar penalty from Nordic Window Fashions, the company they contend sold faulty pull-cord venetian blinds and thus bears responsibility for Kaylee's fatal 2009 strangulation. "Wherever my baby girl is now, she's looking down on us and smiling as we initiate proceedings toward a multipart civil settlement that includes lump-sum compensatory and punitive damages, along with attorneys' fees and prejudgment interest." The Hagertys' lead attorney, Bryson Tuttle of Tuttle-Wembert P.C., echoed his clients' sentiment, adding that Kaylee would never have settled for Nordic's latest offer of $150 million and would in fact have considered it "a complete insult."

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close