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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Dead Daughter Would Have Wanted $220 Million Liability Settlement

ASHEVILLE, NC—The deceased daughter of James and Martha Hagerty would have wanted her parents to relentlessly pursue a $220 million liability settlement against the manufacturer of the allegedly defective merchandise that caused her death, the family announced Wednesday. "While Kaylee is no longer with us, we know she'd be absolutely heartbroken if we agreed to a payout that didn't reach well into the nine figures," read a statement from the Hagertys, who have fought tooth and nail to secure a multimillion-dollar penalty from Nordic Window Fashions, the company they contend sold faulty pull-cord venetian blinds and thus bears responsibility for Kaylee's fatal 2009 strangulation. "Wherever my baby girl is now, she's looking down on us and smiling as we initiate proceedings toward a multipart civil settlement that includes lump-sum compensatory and punitive damages, along with attorneys' fees and prejudgment interest." The Hagertys' lead attorney, Bryson Tuttle of Tuttle-Wembert P.C., echoed his clients' sentiment, adding that Kaylee would never have settled for Nordic's latest offer of $150 million and would in fact have considered it "a complete insult."

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