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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field

FLUSHING, NY—A full eight years following his fatal heart attack, deceased grandfather Martin Whitley continues to talk about Ebbets Field and his experiences at the demolished New York ballpark, individuals close to the dead man confirmed Tuesday. “Every time we go to Grandpa’s grave to pay our respects, you can still hear him down there going on and on about his memories of taking the subway down to Prospect Park to see the Brooklyn Dodgers, and how there’ll never be another stadium like that ever again,” said Whitley’s grandson David, telling reporters that despite having been dead and buried for nearly a decade, his grandfather continues to reminisce fondly about Jackie Robinson, the Dodgers’ 1955 World Series win, and “good ol’ [former play-by-play announcer] Red [Barber].” “Anyone who gets within 30 feet of his burial plot can hear his muffled voice complaining about how it absolutely broke his heart when they tore down that beautiful ballpark to put up a bunch of lousy apartment buildings.” At press time, the dead man was informing reporters that “they just don’t make ’em like Leo Durocher anymore.”

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