adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dead Grandfather Still Talking About Ebbets Field

FLUSHING, NY—A full eight years following his fatal heart attack, deceased grandfather Martin Whitley continues to talk about Ebbets Field and his experiences at the demolished New York ballpark, individuals close to the dead man confirmed Tuesday. “Every time we go to Grandpa’s grave to pay our respects, you can still hear him down there going on and on about his memories of taking the subway down to Prospect Park to see the Brooklyn Dodgers, and how there’ll never be another stadium like that ever again,” said Whitley’s grandson David, telling reporters that despite having been dead and buried for nearly a decade, his grandfather continues to reminisce fondly about Jackie Robinson, the Dodgers’ 1955 World Series win, and “good ol’ [former play-by-play announcer] Red [Barber].” “Anyone who gets within 30 feet of his burial plot can hear his muffled voice complaining about how it absolutely broke his heart when they tore down that beautiful ballpark to put up a bunch of lousy apartment buildings.” At press time, the dead man was informing reporters that “they just don’t make ’em like Leo Durocher anymore.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close