adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dead Hamster Feels Its Life Has Been Properly Honored By Shoebox Coffin

EUGENE, OR—Recently deceased hamster Muffin announced today that he was quite pleased with the cardboard box his corpse was placed in before being buried in the backyard, saying that it is a “truly fitting memorial to [his] life.” “Honestly, I cannot think of a more proper way to honor my legacy on this earth than this 11.5-by-7-inch cardboard shoebox,” said the rodent of the DSW shoebox in which his lifeless body was placed and buried near the back fence. “If anything, I only worry that I perhaps did not fully deserve a monument quite so grand and so lavish as this shoebox, but nonetheless, I am deeply touched and honored by this stirring testament of my former owner’s love and devotion.” At press time, Muffin’s owner reportedly stopped at DSW to pick up another pair of shoes on his way home from the pet store “just in case.”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close