adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Dead Hamster Feels Its Life Has Been Properly Honored By Shoebox Coffin

EUGENE, OR—Recently deceased hamster Muffin announced today that he was quite pleased with the cardboard box his corpse was placed in before being buried in the backyard, saying that it is a “truly fitting memorial to [his] life.” “Honestly, I cannot think of a more proper way to honor my legacy on this earth than this 11.5-by-7-inch cardboard shoebox,” said the rodent of the DSW shoebox in which his lifeless body was placed and buried near the back fence. “If anything, I only worry that I perhaps did not fully deserve a monument quite so grand and so lavish as this shoebox, but nonetheless, I am deeply touched and honored by this stirring testament of my former owner’s love and devotion.” At press time, Muffin’s owner reportedly stopped at DSW to pick up another pair of shoes on his way home from the pet store “just in case.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close