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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Dead Hamster Feels Its Life Has Been Properly Honored By Shoebox Coffin

EUGENE, OR—Recently deceased hamster Muffin announced today that he was quite pleased with the cardboard box his corpse was placed in before being buried in the backyard, saying that it is a “truly fitting memorial to [his] life.” “Honestly, I cannot think of a more proper way to honor my legacy on this earth than this 11.5-by-7-inch cardboard shoebox,” said the rodent of the DSW shoebox in which his lifeless body was placed and buried near the back fence. “If anything, I only worry that I perhaps did not fully deserve a monument quite so grand and so lavish as this shoebox, but nonetheless, I am deeply touched and honored by this stirring testament of my former owner’s love and devotion.” At press time, Muffin’s owner reportedly stopped at DSW to pick up another pair of shoes on his way home from the pet store “just in case.”

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