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Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
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Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.
Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

"Everyone who met Brandon could tell right away he didn't have much to look forward to," Ben Harwich told reporters. "You'd spend five minutes with him and just know he was destined to settle down 20 minutes from home with a job he could barely tolerate and a family he started far too young."

"He wasn't a bad kid," added Harwich, sniffling back tears. "But not exactly one in a million, either."

Clutching a framed photo of her son, Martha Harwich said the pudgy, awkward adolescent who generally avoided eye contact with people had the kind of personality that failed to make much of an impression on anyone.

"He never once lit up a room with his smile," said the bereaved mother, explaining that while Brandon did smile from time to time, no one ever seemed to notice. "It's not that anyone disliked him. I'm just not sure they cared one way or another. It just hurts so much to think of all the people who will never get a chance to feel indifferent toward my boy."

A senior at Poncha Springs High School, Brandon had a grade-point average of 2.3 and was not known for his participation in any extracurricular activities. According to teachers, his death, while awful, did not deprive humanity of a mind that could have achieved great things.

"I certainly wouldn't have been surprised to see him enroll part-time at a community college," said Bob Palumbo, Brandon's American history teacher. "But most likely he would've hung around for a semester or two, then dropped out. After that, I'm not really sure what a kid like Brandon does with himself."

"Not a lot of potential there," added Palumbo, shaking his head. "Not very much at all."

Brandon's parents acknowledged they had not provided the support needed to help their son overcome his average-at-best intelligence or natural lack of ambition. In fact, they admitted to burdening him with psychological issues that, had he survived, would have helped ensure his unhappiness as an adult.

"We didn't raise him the best we could," Martha Harwich said. "Chances are my husband's bullying and my own frequent passive-aggressive digs had already undercut whatever prospects Brandon might've had to contribute something to the world. To be honest, he was in pretty deep even before that truck ran a red light."

Classmates of Brandon said they were struggling to find a meaningful way to honor their fellow student's life.

"We'd like to do something special, but Brandon doesn't really give you a lot to work with," said acquaintance Kevin Singh, 17, adding that he could not think of a single hobby or interest Brandon possessed. "We'll just tie some balloons to his locker or do something with armbands. Something sort of generic, I guess."

Economic indicators suggest that upon reaching adulthood, Brandon would have faced an uphill battle in today's poor job market, which is particularly tough on younger, entry-level workers.

"On top of everything else, he would have had to contend with the negative effects of global warming," Stanford University climatologist Judy Lucas said. "Had he lived, this would have proved a great challenge to him in the coming decades, and from what I understand, it was the last thing he needed."

When asked to share his favorite memory of his son, Ben Harwich told reporters it would be difficult given Brandon's blandness and reluctance to leave the house.

"He wasn't exactly a memory-making kind of guy," Harwich said. "I'm just glad he's in a much, much better place."

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