Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Top Headlines


Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.
Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

"Everyone who met Brandon could tell right away he didn't have much to look forward to," Ben Harwich told reporters. "You'd spend five minutes with him and just know he was destined to settle down 20 minutes from home with a job he could barely tolerate and a family he started far too young."

"He wasn't a bad kid," added Harwich, sniffling back tears. "But not exactly one in a million, either."

Clutching a framed photo of her son, Martha Harwich said the pudgy, awkward adolescent who generally avoided eye contact with people had the kind of personality that failed to make much of an impression on anyone.

"He never once lit up a room with his smile," said the bereaved mother, explaining that while Brandon did smile from time to time, no one ever seemed to notice. "It's not that anyone disliked him. I'm just not sure they cared one way or another. It just hurts so much to think of all the people who will never get a chance to feel indifferent toward my boy."

A senior at Poncha Springs High School, Brandon had a grade-point average of 2.3 and was not known for his participation in any extracurricular activities. According to teachers, his death, while awful, did not deprive humanity of a mind that could have achieved great things.

"I certainly wouldn't have been surprised to see him enroll part-time at a community college," said Bob Palumbo, Brandon's American history teacher. "But most likely he would've hung around for a semester or two, then dropped out. After that, I'm not really sure what a kid like Brandon does with himself."

"Not a lot of potential there," added Palumbo, shaking his head. "Not very much at all."

Brandon's parents acknowledged they had not provided the support needed to help their son overcome his average-at-best intelligence or natural lack of ambition. In fact, they admitted to burdening him with psychological issues that, had he survived, would have helped ensure his unhappiness as an adult.

"We didn't raise him the best we could," Martha Harwich said. "Chances are my husband's bullying and my own frequent passive-aggressive digs had already undercut whatever prospects Brandon might've had to contribute something to the world. To be honest, he was in pretty deep even before that truck ran a red light."

Classmates of Brandon said they were struggling to find a meaningful way to honor their fellow student's life.

"We'd like to do something special, but Brandon doesn't really give you a lot to work with," said acquaintance Kevin Singh, 17, adding that he could not think of a single hobby or interest Brandon possessed. "We'll just tie some balloons to his locker or do something with armbands. Something sort of generic, I guess."

Economic indicators suggest that upon reaching adulthood, Brandon would have faced an uphill battle in today's poor job market, which is particularly tough on younger, entry-level workers.

"On top of everything else, he would have had to contend with the negative effects of global warming," Stanford University climatologist Judy Lucas said. "Had he lived, this would have proved a great challenge to him in the coming decades, and from what I understand, it was the last thing he needed."

When asked to share his favorite memory of his son, Ben Harwich told reporters it would be difficult given Brandon's blandness and reluctance to leave the house.

"He wasn't exactly a memory-making kind of guy," Harwich said. "I'm just glad he's in a much, much better place."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close