adBlockCheck

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.
Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

"Everyone who met Brandon could tell right away he didn't have much to look forward to," Ben Harwich told reporters. "You'd spend five minutes with him and just know he was destined to settle down 20 minutes from home with a job he could barely tolerate and a family he started far too young."

"He wasn't a bad kid," added Harwich, sniffling back tears. "But not exactly one in a million, either."

Clutching a framed photo of her son, Martha Harwich said the pudgy, awkward adolescent who generally avoided eye contact with people had the kind of personality that failed to make much of an impression on anyone.

"He never once lit up a room with his smile," said the bereaved mother, explaining that while Brandon did smile from time to time, no one ever seemed to notice. "It's not that anyone disliked him. I'm just not sure they cared one way or another. It just hurts so much to think of all the people who will never get a chance to feel indifferent toward my boy."

A senior at Poncha Springs High School, Brandon had a grade-point average of 2.3 and was not known for his participation in any extracurricular activities. According to teachers, his death, while awful, did not deprive humanity of a mind that could have achieved great things.

"I certainly wouldn't have been surprised to see him enroll part-time at a community college," said Bob Palumbo, Brandon's American history teacher. "But most likely he would've hung around for a semester or two, then dropped out. After that, I'm not really sure what a kid like Brandon does with himself."

"Not a lot of potential there," added Palumbo, shaking his head. "Not very much at all."

Brandon's parents acknowledged they had not provided the support needed to help their son overcome his average-at-best intelligence or natural lack of ambition. In fact, they admitted to burdening him with psychological issues that, had he survived, would have helped ensure his unhappiness as an adult.

"We didn't raise him the best we could," Martha Harwich said. "Chances are my husband's bullying and my own frequent passive-aggressive digs had already undercut whatever prospects Brandon might've had to contribute something to the world. To be honest, he was in pretty deep even before that truck ran a red light."

Classmates of Brandon said they were struggling to find a meaningful way to honor their fellow student's life.

"We'd like to do something special, but Brandon doesn't really give you a lot to work with," said acquaintance Kevin Singh, 17, adding that he could not think of a single hobby or interest Brandon possessed. "We'll just tie some balloons to his locker or do something with armbands. Something sort of generic, I guess."

Economic indicators suggest that upon reaching adulthood, Brandon would have faced an uphill battle in today's poor job market, which is particularly tough on younger, entry-level workers.

"On top of everything else, he would have had to contend with the negative effects of global warming," Stanford University climatologist Judy Lucas said. "Had he lived, this would have proved a great challenge to him in the coming decades, and from what I understand, it was the last thing he needed."

When asked to share his favorite memory of his son, Ben Harwich told reporters it would be difficult given Brandon's blandness and reluctance to leave the house.

"He wasn't exactly a memory-making kind of guy," Harwich said. "I'm just glad he's in a much, much better place."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close