Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Top Headlines

Local

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

Productivity

Dead Teen Had Pretty Terrible Life Ahead Of Him, Parents Report

Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.
Brandon's parents say his mediocrity always failed to shine through in any way whatsoever.

PONCHA SPRINGS, CO—Still reeling from the sudden loss of their 17-year-old son last week, parents Ben and Martha Harwich spoke Tuesday about the largely unremarkable young man they said would have faced a disappointing and frustrating future had his life not been cut short by a car accident.

"Everyone who met Brandon could tell right away he didn't have much to look forward to," Ben Harwich told reporters. "You'd spend five minutes with him and just know he was destined to settle down 20 minutes from home with a job he could barely tolerate and a family he started far too young."

"He wasn't a bad kid," added Harwich, sniffling back tears. "But not exactly one in a million, either."

Clutching a framed photo of her son, Martha Harwich said the pudgy, awkward adolescent who generally avoided eye contact with people had the kind of personality that failed to make much of an impression on anyone.

"He never once lit up a room with his smile," said the bereaved mother, explaining that while Brandon did smile from time to time, no one ever seemed to notice. "It's not that anyone disliked him. I'm just not sure they cared one way or another. It just hurts so much to think of all the people who will never get a chance to feel indifferent toward my boy."

A senior at Poncha Springs High School, Brandon had a grade-point average of 2.3 and was not known for his participation in any extracurricular activities. According to teachers, his death, while awful, did not deprive humanity of a mind that could have achieved great things.

"I certainly wouldn't have been surprised to see him enroll part-time at a community college," said Bob Palumbo, Brandon's American history teacher. "But most likely he would've hung around for a semester or two, then dropped out. After that, I'm not really sure what a kid like Brandon does with himself."

"Not a lot of potential there," added Palumbo, shaking his head. "Not very much at all."

Brandon's parents acknowledged they had not provided the support needed to help their son overcome his average-at-best intelligence or natural lack of ambition. In fact, they admitted to burdening him with psychological issues that, had he survived, would have helped ensure his unhappiness as an adult.

"We didn't raise him the best we could," Martha Harwich said. "Chances are my husband's bullying and my own frequent passive-aggressive digs had already undercut whatever prospects Brandon might've had to contribute something to the world. To be honest, he was in pretty deep even before that truck ran a red light."

Classmates of Brandon said they were struggling to find a meaningful way to honor their fellow student's life.

"We'd like to do something special, but Brandon doesn't really give you a lot to work with," said acquaintance Kevin Singh, 17, adding that he could not think of a single hobby or interest Brandon possessed. "We'll just tie some balloons to his locker or do something with armbands. Something sort of generic, I guess."

Economic indicators suggest that upon reaching adulthood, Brandon would have faced an uphill battle in today's poor job market, which is particularly tough on younger, entry-level workers.

"On top of everything else, he would have had to contend with the negative effects of global warming," Stanford University climatologist Judy Lucas said. "Had he lived, this would have proved a great challenge to him in the coming decades, and from what I understand, it was the last thing he needed."

When asked to share his favorite memory of his son, Ben Harwich told reporters it would be difficult given Brandon's blandness and reluctance to leave the house.

"He wasn't exactly a memory-making kind of guy," Harwich said. "I'm just glad he's in a much, much better place."