adBlockCheck

Deadbeat Congressman Spends Time With Constituents For First Time In Months

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Deadbeat Congressman Spends Time With Constituents For First Time In Months

WATERLOO, IA—Saying it was one of the few times the elected official had opted to show his face in the area all year, disheartened constituents of Iowa's 1st Congressional District confirmed that, during a charity event Wednesday, deadbeat U.S. Rep. Bruce Braley (D-IA) had finally decided to spend some actual quality time with them.

Constituents say Braley has barely been home to his district at all in the past year.

According to constituents, Braley has hardly been a part of their lives at all since he entered office in 2007, choosing instead to spend most of his time in Washington or "God knows where else," and only occasionally returning home for short, obligatory visits during holidays or around campaign season when he needs a favor.

"Time and time again [Braley has] told us he'd always be there to provide for us, but then whenever we need him most—surprise, surprise—he's not here," said constituent Ellen Deaver, adding that Braley "waltzed into town [Tuesday] like he'd never left" and offered no apology for his prolonged absence. "And when he does come around, he makes all these promises about how things are going to get better and how we mean everything to him, but then he splits again. Meanwhile, the roads and bridges he's been swearing he'll fix for months are still a mess, and he's way overdue on that stimulus money he told us he'd send."

"I want to believe he can change, I really do," Deaver added. "But part of me is starting to think he never will."

Saying the absentee lawmaker's consistent unreliability had left them feeling "emotionally drained," constituents told reporters Braley's appearance this week could never make up for the dozens of instances in which they attempted to contact him directly only to be told he was tied up in committee, or for his failure last August to show up to the 4-H fair at the National Cattle Congress even though he knew it was important to them.

Locals also claimed to be disappointed with Braley's habit of making promises he likely never intended to keep, such as his pledges to create more jobs in the Quad City area, improve public schools, and write home more often. In addition, many said they were "fed up" with Braley selfishly blowing money on things the district doesn't need and spending more time with lobbyists in Washington than he does "with his own damn constituency."

"Look, I'm not going to pretend it isn't nice having him around when he's here—it is," said Davenport-area mechanic Rick Ordower. "He's so charming and likable that it feels really nice simply being near him, but you see what he's doing, right? He's just trying to make us forget he's a total narcissist, and like idiots we fall for it. And it hurts, damn it. It hurts real bad."

"I just want to feel like we mean something to him," added Ordower, his eyes welling up with tears. "Like we're really his district."

Many 1st District voters attending the charity event told reporters that, while they had not forgiven him, Braley actually did, to his credit, seem "truly sincere" this time about his commitment to the region, going so far as to tell them his heart would "always be in northeastern Iowa," and saying, "You all have a very special place in my heart," before concluding his remarks.

At press time, a number of locals admitted they were taken aback when a "very warm" Braley looked them directly in the eye and shook their hand, a gesture one constituent claimed "might have seemed meaningless" had the lawmaker not also made a convincing and touching personal assurance to them that "help is on the way" for the district's unemployed and that he would work "tirelessly" for them.

Braley also reportedly said he would be back for Thanksgiving.

"I know he's let us down in the past, but I have to say that despite everything, I could honestly see it in his eyes this time that he really meant it," said smiling constituent Tom Dettman, waving at Braley as the congressman entered a car headed for the airport. "This was not the same old Bruce."

"He said he might get us funding for a zoo, too," Dettman added. "Can you believe it? Our own zoo!"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close