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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Deadly Chemistry Band Show Review

I saw the band that Mark Shepard is in called Deadly Chemistry play songs at a bar on Saturday night. He asked me to write a review of them to post on my blog so I'm going to do it.

First of all Mark tricked me. I told him I was too busy to go to his show when he asked me to go on Tuesday and then I completely forgot about it. He didn't mention it again and then on Saturday night he called me and told me they were opening up a new indoor water park in town and asked if I wanted to go and I said of course. He thought I was lying about being busy, but I was not, I had plans that I cancelled to go to the indoor water park although I do not want to tell what those plans were because they are private.

When I got in the car he told me he was taking me to his band's show because he thought I'd like it and he wanted my honest opinion. I was mad because he lied to me and because I was wearing my swim trunks. He said he'd pay for my drinks so I didn't complain though.

When we got to the place there was no alcohol there and also no attractive women. Mark apologized but told me he would buy me alcohol after the show. I demanded he either take me to a water park or a place with attractive women and he said he would.

The place was almost empty because that place was shut down last month for being overrun with roaches. I stood in the back because when I was near the front a man made fun of my swim trunks.

Marky's band wasn't like the things that I like. I don't remember the names of any of the songs they played. I didn't recognize Mark at first because he took off his glasses when he was playing. If you have never seen Mark without his glasses, he looks weird, mostly because he is squinting all the time. He wasn't a very good singer but when I told him this after the show he told me he intentionally sang bad or something, I don't remember exactly. He sung through a weird box that made his voice sound like a vacuum cleaner. I told Mark that and for some reason he thought that was good.

After the show Mark took me to Taco Bell drive-thru which was good. That's my review of Mark's band.

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