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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Deadly Chemistry Band Show Review

I saw the band that Mark Shepard is in called Deadly Chemistry play songs at a bar on Saturday night. He asked me to write a review of them to post on my blog so I'm going to do it.

First of all Mark tricked me. I told him I was too busy to go to his show when he asked me to go on Tuesday and then I completely forgot about it. He didn't mention it again and then on Saturday night he called me and told me they were opening up a new indoor water park in town and asked if I wanted to go and I said of course. He thought I was lying about being busy, but I was not, I had plans that I cancelled to go to the indoor water park although I do not want to tell what those plans were because they are private.

When I got in the car he told me he was taking me to his band's show because he thought I'd like it and he wanted my honest opinion. I was mad because he lied to me and because I was wearing my swim trunks. He said he'd pay for my drinks so I didn't complain though.

When we got to the place there was no alcohol there and also no attractive women. Mark apologized but told me he would buy me alcohol after the show. I demanded he either take me to a water park or a place with attractive women and he said he would.

The place was almost empty because that place was shut down last month for being overrun with roaches. I stood in the back because when I was near the front a man made fun of my swim trunks.

Marky's band wasn't like the things that I like. I don't remember the names of any of the songs they played. I didn't recognize Mark at first because he took off his glasses when he was playing. If you have never seen Mark without his glasses, he looks weird, mostly because he is squinting all the time. He wasn't a very good singer but when I told him this after the show he told me he intentionally sang bad or something, I don't remember exactly. He sung through a weird box that made his voice sound like a vacuum cleaner. I told Mark that and for some reason he thought that was good.

After the show Mark took me to Taco Bell drive-thru which was good. That's my review of Mark's band.

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