Science & Technology

How Clinical Trials Work

Prescription medications undergo rigorous rounds of testing and approval before hitting the consumer market. The Onion breaks down the steps involved in this process

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Deadly New Virus Found To Be 'Real Squiggly'

Scientists and doctors at Princeton’s Institute for Advanced Studies, working around the clock in pursuit of a cure for the mysterious new “SeloThoxxyn-P Five” virus, yesterday announced the stunning discovery that the virus is “real squiggly.” The news comes as a surprise to many medical observers who had previously known only that it was “circle-ish” and “red with purple spots.”

According to the nation's top scientists, the deadly ST-p5 virus (right) causes something bad to happen somewhere in the human head.

The virus kills humans over a three-day period by causing intense swelling of the neck, tremendous pressure buildup and eventual explosive decapitation, rocketing the severed head distances of up to 50 feet at speeds measured at 95 miles per hour.

Though the virus, which can only be transmitted when the human head is inserted in the colon of a black bear, is a top medical priority, yesterday’s squiggliness discovery marks the first breakthrough in the search for a cure.

“Now that we have a clearly defined picture of the virus’s squiggly nature, we are in a better position to assess and measure its other characteristics, such as its wiggliness and how blobby it is,” Dr. Andover Phlebehausen, Chief Medical Researcher in charge of the team, told reporters.

Phlebehausen noted that not only is the virus squiggly, but it is also 73% more squiggly than the microorganic squiggliness average, approaching levels of squiggliness previously thought to exist only in such extra-squiggly things as jellyfish and Gummi Worm™ candy products. The virus has thus been classified not just as squiggly, but what scientists call “real squiggly.”

“We know that it is squiggly,” the Institute’s report states. “But there is still much to be learned: Is it sticky? Smooshy? How yucko is it? Does it go ‘blurp’ and, if not, why? If you put salt on it, what happens? If you had two of the viruses in a jar, and you shook the jar, would they fight? We may never know the answers to these questions.”

Despite the $10 billion poured into ST-p5, or “Neck Bomb” as it is commonly known, since mid-December, authorities stress that more funding is needed if the search for a cure is to continue. “We’re very proud of our findings,” Phlebehausen said. “But we simply cannot do more without an additional, oh, say, $200 billion.”

Johns Hopkins’s Dr. Jergens Heuyk-Haak agreed. “Mi-croscopes and those little glass slidey things that go under them are expensive, finely tuned instruments that need to be thrown away and replaced after each use to ensure proper freshness. Then there’s the matter of the astronomical fees required to hire experts like myself.”

Sen. Harlan Stenstrom (R-PA), an outspoken critic of government funding for non-military pursuits, expressed his dissatisfaction with the report.

“I may not be a rocket scientist, but what I’m seeing in this picture is certainly not anything I’d call ‘squiggly.’ The blob is much more, I would say, ‘squishy’ than ‘squiggly,’ yet this 12,000- page report makes no reference to the squishiness of the virus.”

Stenstrom, whose wife’s head blew off last week during a Congressional golf outing, is widely rumored to have the virus himself, and may soon opt for suicide, according to an anonymous spokesperson.


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