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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Dean Cain Fanpage Last Updated 8/14/96

MONROE, MI—The Monroe-based "I Love Dean Cain" website, dedicated to providing up-to-the-minute information on actor Dean Cain, was last updated in August 1996, sources reported Monday. "Keep this page bookmarked and come back soon for the very latest Dean Cain news!" the page urged visitors. "Coming next week: A very special preview of the Lois & Clark season premiere!!!!" Due to the lack of updating, it is not known whether Cain's favorite film is still The Princess Bride. The current status of his three dogs—Jay, Bosco and Mocha—is also undetermined.

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