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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Death Of 12 Schoolchildren Makes Perfect Sense

MYRTLE BEACH, SC—In a tragedy none have struggled to comprehend, a group of 12 schoolchildren on a whale-watching trip died in a perfectly logical manner Tuesday when their boat capsized one hour into its voyage. "How something like this could have happened—it's completely imaginable," said Coast Guard captain Don Broyard, addressing a group of reporters who were immediately able to make sense of the terrible disaster. "The way the unstable boat overturned, the powerlessness of the small children to fight against the current, the quick flooding of water into their lungs—the whole thing is so well within reason." Capt. Broyard added that the state coroner would be more than happy to give parents still uncertain of how the tragedy happened a detailed, step-by-step explanation of every fatal injury.

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