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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Death Of Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar Introduces Thousands To Beloved Boxing Writer Bert Sugar

MOUNT KISCO, NY—Bert Sugar, the prolific and colorful boxing writer whose smart-aleck yet genuine enthusiasm for boxing allowed him to straddle the line between critic and fan, gained thousands of new fans this week by dying of cardiac arrest at age 75. "I had no idea good writing about boxing could be so readable and fun," said Charlotte, NC resident and new Bert Sugar fan Lois Applebaum, who first learned of Sugar's existence and career through his New York Times obituary and has since "devoured every word she could find" by the universally beloved Boxing Hall of Fame inductee and author of more than 80 books. "Why didn't anybody tell me about this guy before?" In related news, publishing insiders expect sportswriter Rick Reilly's works to disappear almost entirely after Reilly is struck and killed by a derailed locomotive next week.

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