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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon

ATLANTA—The Sept. 29 death of actress Lois Maxwell, best known as flirtatious secretary Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films, was all the excuse TNT needed to run a monthlong Bond movie marathon, according to sources at the cable network. The Bond marathon comes just weeks after last month's, which aired because the granddaughter of the actor who portrayed Q found out she was accepted to Cambridge University.

"And just in case viewers miss the most recent marathon, we're showing an entire year of Bond when the fourth Indiana Jones movie comes out," TNT programming director Michael Lemke said Monday. "Sean Connery, if you remember, was in the third one."

The Bond marathon will premiere Monday, will be rebroadcast in November after a weekend Shawshank Redemption marathon, and anytime TNT has a 12-hour gap to fill in its schedule.

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