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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon

ATLANTA—The Sept. 29 death of actress Lois Maxwell, best known as flirtatious secretary Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films, was all the excuse TNT needed to run a monthlong Bond movie marathon, according to sources at the cable network. The Bond marathon comes just weeks after last month's, which aired because the granddaughter of the actor who portrayed Q found out she was accepted to Cambridge University.

"And just in case viewers miss the most recent marathon, we're showing an entire year of Bond when the fourth Indiana Jones movie comes out," TNT programming director Michael Lemke said Monday. "Sean Connery, if you remember, was in the third one."

The Bond marathon will premiere Monday, will be rebroadcast in November after a weekend Shawshank Redemption marathon, and anytime TNT has a 12-hour gap to fill in its schedule.

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