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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Death Of Miss Moneypenny All TNT Needed To Run Monthlong Bond Marathon

ATLANTA—The Sept. 29 death of actress Lois Maxwell, best known as flirtatious secretary Miss Moneypenny in 14 James Bond films, was all the excuse TNT needed to run a monthlong Bond movie marathon, according to sources at the cable network. The Bond marathon comes just weeks after last month's, which aired because the granddaughter of the actor who portrayed Q found out she was accepted to Cambridge University.

"And just in case viewers miss the most recent marathon, we're showing an entire year of Bond when the fourth Indiana Jones movie comes out," TNT programming director Michael Lemke said Monday. "Sean Connery, if you remember, was in the third one."

The Bond marathon will premiere Monday, will be rebroadcast in November after a weekend Shawshank Redemption marathon, and anytime TNT has a 12-hour gap to fill in its schedule.

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