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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Death Row Guard Has Always Had Soft Spot For The Innocent Ones

McFadden says he always goes a bit easier during cavity searches of inmates who didn’t commit capital offenses.
McFadden says he always goes a bit easier during cavity searches of inmates who didn’t commit capital offenses.

ANGOLA, LA—Saying he’s seen “a lot of people come through here in [his] day” and met prisoners of every type, longtime Louisiana State Penitentiary death row guard Dwayne McFadden confided Wednesday that he’s always had a bit of a soft spot for the innocent ones.

While the 57-year-old corrections officer said he strives to remain detached and professional when dealing with inmates awaiting execution, he told reporters that, invariably, the men convicted of capital crimes they didn’t commit somehow always manage to find a way into his heart, remaining there even after they are put to death.

“When you’ve been here as long as I have, you start to develop a special relationship with the guys who aren’t actually guilty,” said McFadden, noting that there have been so many such inmates during his 30 years on the job he has lost exact count. “You get to know them, know their stories. And as they keep exhausting appeal after appeal, you can’t help but take a liking to them.”

“Even though it’s against prison rules, I’ll sometimes let the innocent guys have an extra 10 minutes in the yard, or maybe a couple extra library books,” he added. “Little gestures here and there. It’s the least I can do for them.”

McFadden acknowledged he has felt a personal and enduring emotional connection to virtually every one of the not-guilty death row inmates he has known, from those assigned shoddy public defenders who failed to secure a plea deal, to those sentenced on the basis of clearly fabricated police evidence and later-recanted testimony, to those who were mentally unfit to stand trial in the first place.

Often, he said, the prisoners who have stirred something inside him have been the ones who had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, or were forced to sign confessions after being kept awake for dozens of hours of harsh, coercive questioning. Additionally, McFadden added that many of his favorite inmates over the years were simply victims of a bygone era before the use of DNA tests became standard.

“Most of them are just these real nice guys from poor, tough neighborhoods, though I’ve seen falsely convicted men from all walks of life behind these walls,” McFadden said of the maximum-security facility’s death row population. “Interesting thing is, no matter where they come from, or what their background, the innocent ones all have this same look in their eyes that really melts your heart.”

“It gets me every time,” he continued. “They really are some of the sweetest people you’ll ever meet.”

The guard explained that while all of the individuals under his watch are damaged on some level, and the worst are merciless killers for whom there is no place in society, the ones who are not actually murderers tend to be much more likable. According to McFadden, when these inmates loudly protest their imprisonment or lash out physically in defiance of the system that has wronged them, he always feels a twinge of sadness whenever he has to pepper-spray them into submission and then forcibly pin them against the floor until they are shackled.

“You can’t help but feel for these guys as people when you’re keeping them under 24-hour suicide watch in the days leading up to their execution,” he said, adding that a nod and a little wave goes a long way when an innocent man is being led to his death. “I have to say, I get kind of attached to them, and I miss them when they’re gone.”

“But most of the time, that feeling doesn’t last too long,” he added. “There are always more coming in.”

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