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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Death Withdraws Icy Hand From Shoulder Of Caroline Kennedy

NEW YORK—Rather than bestowing a final, icy tap to Caroline Kennedy's unsuspecting clavicle, the ethereal entity known as Death suddenly receded into the darkness last Thursday, after Kennedy announced her decision to withdraw her bid to become a U.S. senator. The sole surviving child of slain president John F. Kennedy said she made the choice to drop out of the running after considering the declining health of her uncle, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy, who is suffering from an extremely rare and incurable brain cancer. "I am permanently and unequivocally removing my name from consideration for this post," Kennedy said as the shrill cry of a whip-poor-will sounded in the distance. "Right now, I just want to be with my few remaining family members." Sources said Kennedy plans to use the break from political life to devote more time to her personal interests, including flying lessons, ski-football, and late-night drives through Martha's Vineyard.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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