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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Death Withdraws Icy Hand From Shoulder Of Caroline Kennedy

NEW YORK—Rather than bestowing a final, icy tap to Caroline Kennedy's unsuspecting clavicle, the ethereal entity known as Death suddenly receded into the darkness last Thursday, after Kennedy announced her decision to withdraw her bid to become a U.S. senator. The sole surviving child of slain president John F. Kennedy said she made the choice to drop out of the running after considering the declining health of her uncle, Massachusetts senator Ted Kennedy, who is suffering from an extremely rare and incurable brain cancer. "I am permanently and unequivocally removing my name from consideration for this post," Kennedy said as the shrill cry of a whip-poor-will sounded in the distance. "Right now, I just want to be with my few remaining family members." Sources said Kennedy plans to use the break from political life to devote more time to her personal interests, including flying lessons, ski-football, and late-night drives through Martha's Vineyard.

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