adBlockCheck

Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

Top Headlines

Politics

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Debate Cut Short As Lantern Fire Burns Down Ol' Town Hall

HEMPSTEAD, NY—A time-honored tradition ended in calamity tonight when, less than an hour after presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Barack Obama gathered together in the town of Hempstead, NY to debate their political views before villagers, a lantern tipped over and set fire to the ol’ Town Hall.

According to sources, the fire broke out when a mare kicked over an old kerosene lamp, quickly lighting wooden pews aflame and igniting haystacks in the town’s historic gathering place, which for centuries has served as the center of social, spiritual, and political life for the people of Hempstead.

“Come quick, there’s a fire down at the ol’ Town Hall!” local schoolteacher Eunice Quinn shouted into the cobblestone streets as the blaze spread through the building’s storage chambers, burning up the surplus of dry goods and preserved fruits that had been safely stored away for the harsh winter months. “It was Bluebell again, kicked over an old lamp right in the middle a’ debatin’! We best send some of the older children down to the well and get a bucket brigade going. Hurry, before the flames get the fall harvest!”

Sources reported that by rallying together, villagers and a contingent of volunteer firemen were able to evacuate the building within 15 minutes, helping to save the lives of countless townsfolk, livestock, and political figures trapped within the smoke-filled rooms.

While congregants from the local Presbyterian Church helped keep hot cinders from setting fire to the schoolhouse down the street, a team of nursemaids worked to revive moderator Candy Crowley with smelling salts and a sip of brandy.

“I thank God that no souls perished today in this infernal blaze,” said local pastor Cyrus T. Jebediah, speaking to a coughing Soledad O’Brien as authorities assessed the damage to the building. “Everyone in Hempstead helped quell the flames. The women in their fancy gingham gowns and bonnets, the rowdy Rachom boys—why, even crazy Jasper Pike, his bottle of corn whiskey still in one hand. Made me proud to be a Hempsteadian, I’ll swear to that.”

The fire was an unfortunate end to an otherwise spirited week of great commotion and excitement in Hempstead, with townsfolk dressing in their Sunday best and local merchants making sure their storefronts and pantries were spotless for the presidential candidates’ arrival.

Town sources reported even old Widow Chessum had roused herself to attend the debate, despite her severe gout.

“Shame the debate had to be canceled,” shopkeep Bartholomew Small told reporters, his starched white shirt sullied with ash. “Just some good, law-abiding folk comin’ together to have an open discussion about the future of our country. Weren’t nothing more than that.”

At press time, the citizens of Hempstead had scheduled an emergency meeting behind Whitaker’s Saloon to discuss a replacement venue for this year’s upcoming harvest ball.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close