adBlockCheck

Sports

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Debate Gives ESPN Executive Awesome Idea For Show In Which White Guy, Black Guy Ignore Timers And Yell At Each Other

BRISTOL, CT—Explaining that the premise was directly inspired by last night’s presidential debate, ESPN executive vice president John Walsh told reporters Wednesday about his brand-new idea for a live TV show in which a black man and a white man furiously talk over each other while ignoring a countdown timer. “My idea is this: We give the black guy and the white guy a list of topics they’ll need to discuss during the show, and just like last night’s debate, they can just go off on each other with zero regard for the two-minute clock we’ll put on the screen,” said Walsh, explaining that the timer’s only purpose will be to elevate the tension when the men continue speaking after it hits zero. “The vehement black man and the vehement white man will have such big personalities, and think their ideas are so important, that nobody will be able to stop them from speaking, not even this one guy who I’m imagining hangs off to the side and occasionally tells them what they got wrong.” After watching some more election coverage, Walsh reportedly began sketching plans for a feature on ESPN.com that would allow people to cast meaningless votes on issues they know very little about.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close