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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball

BRISTOL, CT—In what has become one of the most heated and longest running debates in sports, fans and players alike continue to weigh in on whether LeBron James or Michael Jordan is the biggest asshole to ever play basketball, sources confirmed today. “Jordan’s legacy as the all-time greatest prick to ever step onto the court is almost untouchable, but LeBron is definitely putting together a strong case as one of the most versatile pieces of shit we’ve ever seen,” said ESPN analyst Chris Broussard, noting that although the pair were assholes in two different eras, no other player in history comes close to producing the raw statistics of James and Jordan, from the number of people they’ve pissed off to how many times they’ve alienated or ignored teammates. “For a while people thought Kobe might end up being as big a bastard as Jordan, but now it’s pretty clear LeBron is his main challenger. MJ’s still got a significant edge, but if LeBron can finish strong with a few more years of unabashed arrogance, selfishness, and total lack of respect for his predecessors and contemporaries, he’ll finally become a complete, all-around fuckface worthy of the crown.” Broussard concluded that regardless of who is ultimately the greatest, it is unlikely the sport of basketball will ever see another player with such a natural ability to be a dominant, overbearing shithead.

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