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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?
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Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball

BRISTOL, CT—In what has become one of the most heated and longest running debates in sports, fans and players alike continue to weigh in on whether LeBron James or Michael Jordan is the biggest asshole to ever play basketball, sources confirmed today. “Jordan’s legacy as the all-time greatest prick to ever step onto the court is almost untouchable, but LeBron is definitely putting together a strong case as one of the most versatile pieces of shit we’ve ever seen,” said ESPN analyst Chris Broussard, noting that although the pair were assholes in two different eras, no other player in history comes close to producing the raw statistics of James and Jordan, from the number of people they’ve pissed off to how many times they’ve alienated or ignored teammates. “For a while people thought Kobe might end up being as big a bastard as Jordan, but now it’s pretty clear LeBron is his main challenger. MJ’s still got a significant edge, but if LeBron can finish strong with a few more years of unabashed arrogance, selfishness, and total lack of respect for his predecessors and contemporaries, he’ll finally become a complete, all-around fuckface worthy of the crown.” Broussard concluded that regardless of who is ultimately the greatest, it is unlikely the sport of basketball will ever see another player with such a natural ability to be a dominant, overbearing shithead.

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