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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Debate Raging As To Whether Michael Jordan Or LeBron James Biggest Asshole To Ever Play Basketball

BRISTOL, CT—In what has become one of the most heated and longest running debates in sports, fans and players alike continue to weigh in on whether LeBron James or Michael Jordan is the biggest asshole to ever play basketball, sources confirmed today. “Jordan’s legacy as the all-time greatest prick to ever step onto the court is almost untouchable, but LeBron is definitely putting together a strong case as one of the most versatile pieces of shit we’ve ever seen,” said ESPN analyst Chris Broussard, noting that although the pair were assholes in two different eras, no other player in history comes close to producing the raw statistics of James and Jordan, from the number of people they’ve pissed off to how many times they’ve alienated or ignored teammates. “For a while people thought Kobe might end up being as big a bastard as Jordan, but now it’s pretty clear LeBron is his main challenger. MJ’s still got a significant edge, but if LeBron can finish strong with a few more years of unabashed arrogance, selfishness, and total lack of respect for his predecessors and contemporaries, he’ll finally become a complete, all-around fuckface worthy of the crown.” Broussard concluded that regardless of who is ultimately the greatest, it is unlikely the sport of basketball will ever see another player with such a natural ability to be a dominant, overbearing shithead.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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