Debate Team State Finalists Live It Up In Super 8 Hot Tub

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Vol 39 Issue 03

New Movie Taps Into Nation's Love Of Rapping Kangaroos

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The new Jerry Bruckheimer comedy Kangaroo Jack has successfully tapped into America's longstanding love affair with rapping kangaroos, taking in a box-office-best $17.7 million in its opening weekend. "From Krazy Legs Kangol in the early '80s to such New School acts as Pouch Gangstas and Tha Mar$upials, kangaroos have always been at the forefront of the rap scene," media analyst Glen Coffey said. "But not until now has anyone had the vision to exploit this trend in a full-length feature film." Warner Bros. has already confirmed plans for a sequel, Koala Bob, featuring a computer-generated beat-boxing koala who steals $50 million in gold bullion... and he's not giving it back.

AOL/Time Warner Turmoil Over-Reported, Says Time

NEW YORK—According to the Feb. 3 issue of Time, the internal turmoil plaguing AOL/Time Warner is being over-reported by the national media. "Once again, tabloids like Newsweek and U.S. News & World Report insist on trawling through the Dumpster of this non-story, desperate to dig up any dirt they can find," columnist Lance Morrow wrote. "This would be bad enough in times of slow news, but a nation about to go to war and confused about which online service offers the best enhanced e-mail features surely deserves better."

Man Totally Proud Of Last Night's Drunken Phone Calls

ENID, OK—Andrew Colquitt expressed pride Monday in a drunken cross-country calling spree he'd embarked on the previous night. "I really gave that dick Larry Trachte a piece of my mind, and I finally told Steve I slept with his girlfriend back in high school," Colquitt said. "I think I even called [ex-girlfriend] Rebecca [Anders], although I might have just dreamed that." The 38-year-old Colquitt also called former college roommate Alex Via to inform him that he is "the greatest guy ever. Dude, I fuckin' love you, dude. Serious."

Real World Producers Still Looking To Fill Eating-Disorder Slot

VAN NUYS, CA—Jonathan Murray, co-executive producer of the MTV reality series The Real World, reported Monday that with just weeks to go before shooting begins, the eating-disorder slot for the cast of Real World 13: Paris remains unfilled. "We're still trying to find a hot young bulimic or anorexic, ideally with bisexual leanings," Murray said. "We found a woman who was perfect, except she was Asian, and we already had our non-black minority slot filled." Murray said that as a last resort, he has a perky blonde sexual-abuse victim ready to go.

Fox's Reality Shows

Having struck ratings gold with Man Vs. Beast and Joe Millionaire, Fox has plans for more reality-TV programming.

Affirmative Action Under Fire

President Bush recently urged the Supreme Court to strike down the University of Michigan's affirmative-action program as unconstitutional. What do you think?

When It Comes To Entertainment, My Sign Is Leo!

Happy New Year! Sorry I was a bit slow bringing you your first steaming-hot batch of 2003 gossip, but I had to take a few weeks off just to digest the holiday fruitcake! You know the one? The one someone gives every year? Well, I ate it.
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Debate Team State Finalists Live It Up In Super 8 Hot Tub

OSHKOSH, WI—The 16 members of the Abbotsford High School debate team enjoyed a night of revelry in the hot tub of an Oshkosh Super 8 motel Sunday, celebrating their second-place finish in the Wisconsin High School Forensic Association state competition.

Members of the Abbotsford High School debate team get psyched for a wild night at the Super 8.

"This is it, guys," said team captain Ethan Howe, sinking back into the bubbling water and raising a can of Orange Slice high into the air. "This is what we've been working so hard for all year!"

On Jan. 11, the Abbotsford debate team qualified for the state competition, "killing" at the district level. The following day, Abbotsford Forensics Club advisor Sharon Knauf made lodging accommodations for the students in Oshkosh for the WHSFA Four-Speaker State Debate Tournament, held at 8 p.m. Sunday at University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh.

"For years, whenever we went to state, I always booked the Oshkosh Econolodge," said Knauf, 53, who has coached forensics for 18 years. "A few years ago, though, they opened up this Super 8 right off Hwy. 41, and I really like it better: There's no problem parking the bus, and it's quite a ways to downtown, so no one is tempted to try to sneak out."

Super 8 #2692 boasts an indoor heated pool and whirlpool, free HBO and ESPN, and a vending area with candy, chips, soda, and an ice machine. On weekends, the motel also offers a continental breakfast from 6 to 10 a.m.

"This place rocks," said Howe, a white towel draped around his neck as he swaggered to the button that restarts the whirlpool. "We are livin' it up."

Knauf reserved nine adjoining rooms on the east wing of the second floor, assigning two students to each room and giving herself a single. The rooms were situated near the vending area, a spot frequented by the high-spirited students throughout the night.

"We took up a collection in an ice bucket—I put in, like, seven dollars—and we brought a bunch of snacks back to Party Central [Room 233]," Howe said. "Jim [Gamble] even had a CD player, which he technically wasn't allowed to bring. Shhh."

The mischief, sources report, was not limited to boom-box smuggling. Student and allergy sufferer John Greipentrog, claiming to be in desperate need of Benadryl, obtained Knauf's permission to leave the motel to walk to the Amoco station down the road.

"I was lying," said Greipentrog, who actually made a "supply run" for food to add to the already copious amounts left over from the celebratory dinner at Olive Garden. "I had my Allegra with me. Of course, I was way nervous about lying to a teacher, but the rest of the team convinced me to live on the edge for once."

By 7 p.m., the motel's whirlpool had become the center of activity. Nearly all the students convened at the 10-person hot tub, enjoying the company of their fellow honor students in pampered luxury.

"I forgot my swimsuit, but I just wore shorts and a T-shirt—right in the pool!" junior Denise Neumann said. "We were singing our school song, but we changed the words to make fun of the a-holes on the football team."

The combination of the wet bodies, caffeine, and general spirit of revelry even resulted in some intra-squad flirting.

"Eric [Yetter] is so funny," sophomore Kim Ault said. "He was pretending to fall asleep, and he'd sink down into the water and act like he was dead. Then he got my hair all wet, even though I wasn't going to put it in the water."

Later that night, Yetter and Ault disobeyed the "no co-ed room activity" rule, professing merely to be "sharing passages from their Advanced English 11 journals."

"I don't know what went on, but Eric is, like, Kim's man now," said Wendy Druyan, Ault's roommate. "We kept knocking on the door and calling their phone until they took it off the hook. Then we went in Denise's room next door and banged on the wall."

The only student who did not participate in the tomfoolery was Jay Gawlikoski, who spent the night in his room.

"If we get in trouble, it could go on our permanent record and colleges would see that," said Gawlikoski, two-time recipient of Knauf's Most Valuable Debater award. "I'd be more than up for some charades or maybe a game of euchre, but I really have no interest in doing something stupid that'd hurt my chances of getting into Northwestern."

According to anonymous sources, Gawlikoski is a "puss" and "just mad because everyone teased him for bringing a huge suitcase for an overnight stay." The unnamed student also claimed that Gawlikoski actually phoned his mother to tell her the results of his competition and was in bed by 10 p.m.

Unlike Gawlikoski, the other students were more than ready to party late into the night. The last to turn in, sneaking back to their respective rooms at 4 a.m., were Randy Lund and Tim Farber, a pair of juniors who earlier in the day went head to head against the co-captains of the vaunted Eau Claire Memorial High School squad.

"Yes, we were ultimately vanquished, but our 11-4 record is nothing to sneeze at, and we made some very persuasive arguments on the WHSFA debate topic, Weapons Of Mass Destruction," Farber said. " What's more, with just two graduating seniors on the entire squad, the Abbotsford debate team will be a force to be reckoned with next year. We had more than enough reason to make merry this eve."

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