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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Debbie Clemens Forced To Explain Lifetime 0.00 ERA

WASHINGTON, DC—A week after facing accusations of injecting human-growth hormone in 2003, Roger Clemens' wife Debbie has come under increased scrutiny from baseball fans and media figures who claim the revelation calls her lifetime major league 0.00 ERA into question. "Zero hits, zero walks, zero runs allowed," said local fan Dave Winthrop upon hearing about the charges, which he called "disheartening to say the least." "I guess when you think about it, based on what we know now, it makes sense. How could someone—a 39-year-old mother of four, no less—put up these kind of career numbers without the aid of illegal substances? Sad." Clemens has defended herself by saying that those extremely low numbers are simply the result of her never having pitched in the major leagues, excepting only her perfect game against the Baltimore Orioles in August of 2003.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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