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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Debbie Clemens Forced To Explain Lifetime 0.00 ERA

WASHINGTON, DC—A week after facing accusations of injecting human-growth hormone in 2003, Roger Clemens' wife Debbie has come under increased scrutiny from baseball fans and media figures who claim the revelation calls her lifetime major league 0.00 ERA into question. "Zero hits, zero walks, zero runs allowed," said local fan Dave Winthrop upon hearing about the charges, which he called "disheartening to say the least." "I guess when you think about it, based on what we know now, it makes sense. How could someone—a 39-year-old mother of four, no less—put up these kind of career numbers without the aid of illegal substances? Sad." Clemens has defended herself by saying that those extremely low numbers are simply the result of her never having pitched in the major leagues, excepting only her perfect game against the Baltimore Orioles in August of 2003.

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