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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Deceitful Woman Deviously Alters Appearance To Give Illusion Of Youth, Fertility

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Saying that the duplicitous local woman employs a variety of devious ruses to achieve a false impression of youth and fertility, sources confirmed today that Michelle Guerrero, 45, routinely changes her appearance to simulate a far higher and more robust egg count than her biological age implies. “I love how this powder foundation evens out my skin tone without being too heavy,” said the woman who blasphemes nature daily by underhandedly modifying the tone of her complexion and luster of her hair with an array of ointments, gels, and lotions shrewdly designed to impart an artificial bloom of youth to her aging, depleted body. “It looks natural and stays on all day, so I don’t have to worry about touching it up at work. And there’s a built-in SPF, so that’s another plus.” At press time, the crafty sorceress was applying a tinted chapstick to her lips in a bald, desperate attempt to simulate the flush of orgasm so as to attract a mate.

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