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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Deceitful Woman Deviously Alters Appearance To Give Illusion Of Youth, Fertility

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Saying that the duplicitous local woman employs a variety of devious ruses to achieve a false impression of youth and fertility, sources confirmed today that Michelle Guerrero, 45, routinely changes her appearance to simulate a far higher and more robust egg count than her biological age implies. “I love how this powder foundation evens out my skin tone without being too heavy,” said the woman who blasphemes nature daily by underhandedly modifying the tone of her complexion and luster of her hair with an array of ointments, gels, and lotions shrewdly designed to impart an artificial bloom of youth to her aging, depleted body. “It looks natural and stays on all day, so I don’t have to worry about touching it up at work. And there’s a built-in SPF, so that’s another plus.” At press time, the crafty sorceress was applying a tinted chapstick to her lips in a bald, desperate attempt to simulate the flush of orgasm so as to attract a mate.

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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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