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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Deceitful Woman Deviously Alters Appearance To Give Illusion Of Youth, Fertility

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Saying that the duplicitous local woman employs a variety of devious ruses to achieve a false impression of youth and fertility, sources confirmed today that Michelle Guerrero, 45, routinely changes her appearance to simulate a far higher and more robust egg count than her biological age implies. “I love how this powder foundation evens out my skin tone without being too heavy,” said the woman who blasphemes nature daily by underhandedly modifying the tone of her complexion and luster of her hair with an array of ointments, gels, and lotions shrewdly designed to impart an artificial bloom of youth to her aging, depleted body. “It looks natural and stays on all day, so I don’t have to worry about touching it up at work. And there’s a built-in SPF, so that’s another plus.” At press time, the crafty sorceress was applying a tinted chapstick to her lips in a bald, desperate attempt to simulate the flush of orgasm so as to attract a mate.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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