adBlockCheck

December Named National Awareness Month

Top Headlines

Politics

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

December Named National Awareness Month

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."

Despite organizers' best intentions, many passersby who aren't already off in space will confuse this poster with an ad for an upcoming movie.

"All across the country, millions of men and women are dangerously unaware," AFPAT spokesperson Karen Teeling said during a press conference Monday. "What's worse, the vast majority of those suffering from this debilitating state of mind don't even know it."

"That's why this December we're asking that all Americans stop whatever it is they're doing, and take a moment to open their eyes for once—just once—in their lives," Teeling added. "It'll make all the difference in the world."

According to AFPAT, planned events for National Awareness Month include a 10K charity walk, during which participants will be forced to actually interact and engage with the outside world for a change, as well as several advertising campaigns, which will help get the word out about things other than what currently happens to be playing on television.

Awareness-month organizers will also hand out large reflective ribbons, in hopes that, by wearing a 9-inch yellow reminder on their chests, citizens across the country might actually remember that something is going on.

"Obliviousness doesn't discriminate," said volunteer Robert Fargo, who added that his own father might still be alive today had he been more aware of his surroundings. "Adults, children, the elderly, those staring slack-jawed as their very existence rushes by—obliviousness can strike them all."

Defined as the ability to realize what one is doing, to whom one is doing it, and what the consequences of doing it or not doing it may be, awareness is considered to be a major factor in a number of modern human endeavors, among them: decision-making, prioritizing, and just basically walking around without always bumping into things.

While lack of awareness—or "unawareness," as the foundation calls it—has reached dangerously high levels across the nation, organizers said there are still steps that can be taken by everyone to address the issue.

"A simple self-exam once a month can greatly reduce the chances of becoming unaware," AFPAT founder Michael Poe said. "First, position yourself in front of your bathroom mirror. Second, make eye contact with the reflection in the mirror. Now, while still maintaining eye contact, take three to five minutes to think about the fact that you exist as a human being."

Added Poe, "As long as you can remember to do that and not just completely tune out for an entire year or so, you should be all right."

In addition to distributing literature about raising awareness of awareness itself, and launching a series of bus ads featuring such slogans as "Hey, you! Come on, snap out of it," organizers listed a number of symptoms Americans can look for when attempting to deduce whether or not they're aware.

"Lack of coherent thought is usually a sign of being unaware, as is a fleeting attention span, and forgetting what this particular sentence pertains to midway through reading it," said Dr. Howard Sturges, who has treated several hundred cases of acute obliviousness. "If you suspect you have such a disorder, please contact a health professional immediately, or, as you likely know him, the man in the white lab coat with the shiny thing around his neck who has that office with all the chairs and patients inside of it."

Though they remain confident about the success of the upcoming monthlong event, members of the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things maintained that the cure for the national unawareness epidemic ultimately lies with the individual.

"We'll do what we can to help, but at some point it's really up to all Americans to make sure they can leave the house in the morning without setting the place on fire, show up to work without looking like a complete moron, or carry on an intelligent conversation without getting distracted by different tile patterns on the floor," AFPAT chairwoman Sheila Winters said. "Hello? Hello?"

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close