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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters while crouched on the floor of his bathroom, local man Brandon Parker confirmed Tuesday that, deep down inside, he knows he has not yet finished vomiting. “I want to believe that I can get up right now and go lie down in bed, but If I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit I’m not done here yet,” said the pallid, perspiring 26-year-old, hovering over the rim of his toilet and acknowledging that, in his heart of hearts, he is fully aware he should stay right where he is. “I just don’t think I could look myself in the eye right now and say, ‘Well, that’s over with. I’m good to go.’ No, this is where I should be.” After several more minutes of silent contemplation, sources reported that Parker convinced himself that he had, in fact, finished vomiting, a position he later reversed in the hallway.

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