adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters while crouched on the floor of his bathroom, local man Brandon Parker confirmed Tuesday that, deep down inside, he knows he has not yet finished vomiting. “I want to believe that I can get up right now and go lie down in bed, but If I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit I’m not done here yet,” said the pallid, perspiring 26-year-old, hovering over the rim of his toilet and acknowledging that, in his heart of hearts, he is fully aware he should stay right where he is. “I just don’t think I could look myself in the eye right now and say, ‘Well, that’s over with. I’m good to go.’ No, this is where I should be.” After several more minutes of silent contemplation, sources reported that Parker convinced himself that he had, in fact, finished vomiting, a position he later reversed in the hallway.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close