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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters while crouched on the floor of his bathroom, local man Brandon Parker confirmed Tuesday that, deep down inside, he knows he has not yet finished vomiting. “I want to believe that I can get up right now and go lie down in bed, but If I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit I’m not done here yet,” said the pallid, perspiring 26-year-old, hovering over the rim of his toilet and acknowledging that, in his heart of hearts, he is fully aware he should stay right where he is. “I just don’t think I could look myself in the eye right now and say, ‘Well, that’s over with. I’m good to go.’ No, this is where I should be.” After several more minutes of silent contemplation, sources reported that Parker convinced himself that he had, in fact, finished vomiting, a position he later reversed in the hallway.

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