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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Deep Down, Area Man Knows He’s Not Done Vomiting

NEW YORK—Speaking to reporters while crouched on the floor of his bathroom, local man Brandon Parker confirmed Tuesday that, deep down inside, he knows he has not yet finished vomiting. “I want to believe that I can get up right now and go lie down in bed, but If I’m being honest with myself, I have to admit I’m not done here yet,” said the pallid, perspiring 26-year-old, hovering over the rim of his toilet and acknowledging that, in his heart of hearts, he is fully aware he should stay right where he is. “I just don’t think I could look myself in the eye right now and say, ‘Well, that’s over with. I’m good to go.’ No, this is where I should be.” After several more minutes of silent contemplation, sources reported that Parker convinced himself that he had, in fact, finished vomiting, a position he later reversed in the hallway.

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