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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Deeply Held Conviction Immediately Dropped After Friend Half-Heartedly Disagrees

GREENSBURG, PA—While engaged in a casual conversation about their favorite bands Thursday, sources confirmed local resident Nick Saccia, 29, summarily abandoned one of his most strongly held convictions after sensing that his friend half-heartedly disagreed with it. “No, no, I totally hear that,” said Saccia, instantaneously caving to his acquaintance’s slight divergence of opinion and practically tripping over himself to calibrate a response that would bury his well-thought-out beliefs about a subject he has long felt passionately about. “I mean, yeah, that’s a great point. I never thought they were that great or anything—they’re just okay. Absolutely.” At press time, Saccia was racing to redirect the discourse to a comfortable area of mutual agreement where they could safely carry out the remainder of the discussion by voicing identical opinions.

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