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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Defeated Man Victorious

The utterly defeated man emerges triumphant.
The utterly defeated man emerges triumphant.

CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection with 332 electoral votes.

The shell of a man, who won 26 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory with 50.6 percent of the popular vote, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:00 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten man’s victory.

An hour later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicago’s McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters.

“It is at once a tremendous honor and profoundly humbling to stand again before my fellow citizens, having earned your trust for a second term,” said the crushed victor, who successfully carried the crucial swing states of Florida, Virginia, Colorado, Iowa, and Wisconsin and sadly forfeited whatever remaining shred of enthusiasm and passion once drove him. “But tonight is not my victory alone—it is also yours. It is a victory for hardworking folks who believe that millionaires should be held to the same rules they are, for students with dreams of college and a brighter future, and for the sick and uninsured who will finally receive the medical care they need.”

“Tonight is a victory for all those who recognize that the truest path to prosperity is through opportunity for all,” the utterly lost winner added.

The successful candidate, whose mental and spiritual reserves were wiped out in a landslide, thanked his supporters for helping him secure a clear win that roundly trounced his overall sense of optimism and hope.

The broken and shattered man also called on the nation to mend its rifts and urged fellow citizens to “never tire in [their] pursuit of progress.”

“While we celebrate tonight, we know that the challenges that lie ahead of us are even greater than the ones that lie behind,” the victorious man who just spent the past four years of his life being utterly beaten into submission said. “But the virtues instilled by our founders—strength, determination, and moral conviction—still run strong in America today.”

The defeated man’s three percentage point victory marked a strong rebound for his campaign, which saw a five-point lead in the national polls erased following a poor performance in the first presidential debate in early October. Over the ensuing weeks, however, the beleaguered husk of a person managed to revive his campaign, something he was unable to do with his will, motivation, or spirit.

According to aides, the disheartened individual received a phone call from his Republican challenger this evening, in which the former Massachusetts governor is said to have graciously congratulated the beaten man on his victory.

“My fellow Americans, together we can build a nation that our children and grandchildren will be proud to inherit,” the victorious failure continued. “So when they ask us if we stood up and seized the moment—if we left this great nation even stronger and more just than we found it—we can look them proudly in the eye and say, ‘Yes, we did.’”

The defeated man will begin his second term on Jan. 20, 2013, when he will again be triumphantly sworn in as president of a defeated nation.

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