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Defeated Man Victorious

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How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
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Defeated Man Victorious

The utterly defeated man emerges triumphant.
The utterly defeated man emerges triumphant.

CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection with 332 electoral votes.

The shell of a man, who won 26 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory with 50.6 percent of the popular vote, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:00 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten man’s victory.

An hour later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicago’s McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters.

“It is at once a tremendous honor and profoundly humbling to stand again before my fellow citizens, having earned your trust for a second term,” said the crushed victor, who successfully carried the crucial swing states of Florida, Virginia, Colorado, Iowa, and Wisconsin and sadly forfeited whatever remaining shred of enthusiasm and passion once drove him. “But tonight is not my victory alone—it is also yours. It is a victory for hardworking folks who believe that millionaires should be held to the same rules they are, for students with dreams of college and a brighter future, and for the sick and uninsured who will finally receive the medical care they need.”

“Tonight is a victory for all those who recognize that the truest path to prosperity is through opportunity for all,” the utterly lost winner added.

The successful candidate, whose mental and spiritual reserves were wiped out in a landslide, thanked his supporters for helping him secure a clear win that roundly trounced his overall sense of optimism and hope.

The broken and shattered man also called on the nation to mend its rifts and urged fellow citizens to “never tire in [their] pursuit of progress.”

“While we celebrate tonight, we know that the challenges that lie ahead of us are even greater than the ones that lie behind,” the victorious man who just spent the past four years of his life being utterly beaten into submission said. “But the virtues instilled by our founders—strength, determination, and moral conviction—still run strong in America today.”

The defeated man’s three percentage point victory marked a strong rebound for his campaign, which saw a five-point lead in the national polls erased following a poor performance in the first presidential debate in early October. Over the ensuing weeks, however, the beleaguered husk of a person managed to revive his campaign, something he was unable to do with his will, motivation, or spirit.

According to aides, the disheartened individual received a phone call from his Republican challenger this evening, in which the former Massachusetts governor is said to have graciously congratulated the beaten man on his victory.

“My fellow Americans, together we can build a nation that our children and grandchildren will be proud to inherit,” the victorious failure continued. “So when they ask us if we stood up and seized the moment—if we left this great nation even stronger and more just than we found it—we can look them proudly in the eye and say, ‘Yes, we did.’”

The defeated man will begin his second term on Jan. 20, 2013, when he will again be triumphantly sworn in as president of a defeated nation.

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