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Defeated Man Victorious

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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Defeated Man Victorious

The utterly defeated man emerges triumphant.
The utterly defeated man emerges triumphant.

CHICAGO—Following a turbulent first term in office and one of the tightest and most-hard-fought presidential campaigns in recent history, a wholly and utterly defeated man emerged victorious Tuesday, winning reelection with 332 electoral votes.

The shell of a man, who won 26 states and lost all hope in the American people, was able to secure victory with 50.6 percent of the popular vote, narrowly holding off a spirited challenge from Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Shortly after 11:00 p.m. Eastern time, upon prevailing in the key battleground state of Ohio, major media outlets declared the thoroughly beaten man’s victory.

An hour later, the triumphant defeated man took the stage in Chicago’s McCormick Place convention center to the cheers of more than 10,000 supporters.

“It is at once a tremendous honor and profoundly humbling to stand again before my fellow citizens, having earned your trust for a second term,” said the crushed victor, who successfully carried the crucial swing states of Florida, Virginia, Colorado, Iowa, and Wisconsin and sadly forfeited whatever remaining shred of enthusiasm and passion once drove him. “But tonight is not my victory alone—it is also yours. It is a victory for hardworking folks who believe that millionaires should be held to the same rules they are, for students with dreams of college and a brighter future, and for the sick and uninsured who will finally receive the medical care they need.”

“Tonight is a victory for all those who recognize that the truest path to prosperity is through opportunity for all,” the utterly lost winner added.

The successful candidate, whose mental and spiritual reserves were wiped out in a landslide, thanked his supporters for helping him secure a clear win that roundly trounced his overall sense of optimism and hope.

The broken and shattered man also called on the nation to mend its rifts and urged fellow citizens to “never tire in [their] pursuit of progress.”

“While we celebrate tonight, we know that the challenges that lie ahead of us are even greater than the ones that lie behind,” the victorious man who just spent the past four years of his life being utterly beaten into submission said. “But the virtues instilled by our founders—strength, determination, and moral conviction—still run strong in America today.”

The defeated man’s three percentage point victory marked a strong rebound for his campaign, which saw a five-point lead in the national polls erased following a poor performance in the first presidential debate in early October. Over the ensuing weeks, however, the beleaguered husk of a person managed to revive his campaign, something he was unable to do with his will, motivation, or spirit.

According to aides, the disheartened individual received a phone call from his Republican challenger this evening, in which the former Massachusetts governor is said to have graciously congratulated the beaten man on his victory.

“My fellow Americans, together we can build a nation that our children and grandchildren will be proud to inherit,” the victorious failure continued. “So when they ask us if we stood up and seized the moment—if we left this great nation even stronger and more just than we found it—we can look them proudly in the eye and say, ‘Yes, we did.’”

The defeated man will begin his second term on Jan. 20, 2013, when he will again be triumphantly sworn in as president of a defeated nation.

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