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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Defense Department Layoffs Result In Increased Video Rentals

WASHINGTON, DC—In a high-level Pentagon memo, it was revealed yesterday that the recent laying off of more than 2,500 Defense Department employees has resulted in a 31 percent increase in video rentals at Washington-area Blockbuster video stores. "I rented 12 Monkeys last night," said now-unemployed Gen. William A. Patterson. "It was pretty good. Did you ever see Muriel's Wedding? I may rent that tonight—I heard it was good." Patterson went on to recommend that the U.S. maintain a hard line against Iraq and Denis Leary's The Ref.

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