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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Defensive Clinton Campaign Releases New ‘Who Are You To Judge Me?’ Ad

NEW YORK—With the candidate facing a far more formidable challenge than expected in her pursuit of the Democratic nomination, Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign released an exceedingly defensive new commercial Wednesday titled “Who Are You To Judge Me?” “What the hell have you done?” a scowling Clinton asks during the music-free 30-second ad that is running in markets in all 50 states and features the candidate standing by herself in front of a black background, speaking directly to the camera with her arms crossed defiantly. “Have you ever been a senator? Had to consider the interests and needs of millions of constituents? Oh, wait, I know—you must have served in the president’s cabinet and delicately handled international affairs that impacted the entire world. I’m sorry, what’s that? You haven’t? Then maybe you should think for a goddamn minute before you pass judgment on me, you ingrates.” The ad reportedly ends with Clinton pointing menacingly at the viewer for a full 10 seconds before wordlessly walking out of frame.

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