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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Defensive Tackle Remi Ayodele To Write Children's Book Titled 'Tubbo Makes A Touchdown'

NEW ORLEANS—Saints defensive tackle Remi Ayodele announced plans Monday to write a children's book called Tubbo Makes A Touchdown, which he says will be the heartwarming tale of an overweight hippopotamus who bravely dives on a loose ball and scores the first touchdown of his professional career. "At first nobody wanted to play football with Tubbo, and all the skinny animals teased him and told him he smelled bad," said the 318-pound Ayodele, adding that Tubbo was loosely based on a true story. "But when Tubbo scores the touchdown, he proves he can do the same things the popular animals can do, just a little slower." Ayodele said he hopes to inspire children to believe they can accomplish anything as long as they flop down on top of their opportunities.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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