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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Deforestation Complete

Global deforestation, the environmental disaster forewarned by eco-radicals since as far back as 1980, has finally and irreversibly arrived, spokespersons from Worldwide PulpCo announced Monday. The final tree, a 120-foot-tall Russian fir located near the timber line in a remote region of northwest Siberia, was cut down by PulpCo and converted into 10,000 sanitary straw wrappers for a major national fast-food chain.

With the elimination of trees, the earth’s leading producer of oxygen, biologists believe all oxygen-dependent animal and plant species will soon become extinct.

“This is somewhat of a setback,” PulpCo CEO Douglas Langley said. “But we want to assure our customers that we will continue our commitment to producing top-quality consumer paper products.”

Ecologists predict that by late June, the planet will be littered with the unburied corpses of most, if not all, of the earth’s fauna.

Despite the impending apocalypse, accountants for PulpCo assured shareholders in an emergency meeting that the company’s earnings would continue to grow.

“Last quarter, earnings reached one of the highest levels in our company’s history, and there is no reason to expect our profitability to drop, though we may need to step up our marketing efforts for resume-quality cotton bond paper.”

Environmental groups such as Earth First, Save the Rain-forest and Greenpeace were despondent over the news.

“No one listened to such experts as Sting, Christopher Reeve and Whoopi Goldberg when they predicted that at the current rate, the earth would be deforested by the year 2000,” said Renee Jau-bert, co-founder of Greenpeace. “Well, as usual, some of Hollywood’s biggest stars were right.”

Jaubert added that with the environment now destroyed, Green-peace will focus on the alarming worldwide depletion of hats.

Even more important than environmental concerns, the deforestation has raised the issue of finding new paper sources. According to the Senate Joint Council on Paper Sources, paper company scientists are already developing a new, improved paper source by converting oil and coal into napkins and paper towels.

“We have also found that when certain sea creatures are burned and spun through a high-speed centrifuge,” scientist James DeVries said, “it creates an organic pulp-like substance that closely resembles paper.”

One negative side effect of this process, according to DeVries, is that it takes an estimated 500 whales to make just one sheet of 8 1/2" by 11" paper. At that rate, whales, as well as many other aquatic species, could face extinction by year’s end.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” responded Harrison Graves, president and CEO of United Paper, when asked if he was aware of the potential ramifications of whale-based paper products.

Graves, like many of his fellow CEOs who sit on the Senate Joint Council, did express disappointment that they will no longer have traditional firewood for the fireplaces at their Aspen ski chalets, and that they will no longer be able to enjoy steaks and other foods after the extinction of all carbon-based life from the earth.

Said U.S. Rep. Carl Berkin (R–AR), “The U.S. is committed to being a world leader in producing paper, and no lack of trees or end to life on this planet is going to stop us. Remember, the U.S. is number one. Number one, baby.”

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