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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Deformed Freak Born Without Penis

The utterly disfigured creature, who sources say somehow has to make its way through life with no male genitalia whatsoever.
The utterly disfigured creature, who sources say somehow has to make its way through life with no male genitalia whatsoever.

NORFOLK, VA—In an alarming case that has baffled and repulsed many, sources confirmed Tuesday that a severely deformed freak born without a penis has managed to live with the condition for over 26 years.

The bizarre, monstrous human specimen was reportedly born with no other noticeable maladies and has, amazingly enough, attempted to lead a normal, albeit severely impaired life despite possessing no male genitalia whatsoever.

“We first noticed something was off about three months into the pregnancy, and I was of course horrified,” said Dr. Mark Joules, the obstetrician who delivered the grotesque—some would say subhuman—abhorrence of nature. “You could clearly see in the ultrasound that a penis and testicles were not developing as one would hope—or at all, in fact—and we immediately knew something was terribly, terribly wrong.”

“Had we caught it earlier, we most likely would have recommended that the pregnancy be terminated,” Joules continued. “But it was unfortunately too late at that point, so we were forced to deliver the baby as planned and just pray that it could get by in that state. We did our best, but with such a horrible and incredibly crippling deformity, there wasn’t much hope to be had.”

According to reports, the sadly disfigured 26-year-old’s quality of life has been greatly diminished due to such a condition. Sources said the abnormal, visibly blemished creature has been repeatedly passed over for employment opportunities, frequently gawked at and harassed on the street by total strangers, and has faced near constant discrimination for over two decades, all due to the horrific and debilitating birth defect.

Indeed, many are reportedly unable to look past the glaring deformity and simply see the 26-year-old as a human being.

“Whoa, look at that,” said 31-year-old onlooker Grant Megson, who, like many others, gawked at the freakish human anomaly while passing by on the sidewalk. “I don’t mean to stare, but honestly, it’s hard not to. Jesus Christ.”

“I just wish some of my buddies were here to see this,” added Megson, smiling and taking one last look before continuing with his day.

Sources confirmed that, unfortunately, such cases are actually quite common, with roughly one in every two babies afflicted with the lifelong disfigurement.

However, that is reportedly little consolation to the malformed specimen’s father, who told reporters that a day doesn’t go by in which he doesn’t wish his child was born a normal, healthy baby with male genitalia.

“Sadly, because the deformity is so obvious, our child was treated very differently from all the other kids,” the father told reporters, admitting that he was incredibly upset and disappointed when he first learned that his baby would be born a freak, one to be mistreated and viewed as inferior its whole life. “Even though the doctors explained all the incredible challenges and prejudice the poor thing would face, I don’t think it really sunk in until after the birth, when I saw the disfigurement with my own eyes. You never want your child to have to grow up that way.”

“But what can you do?” he added. “I’m just thankful that my other two kids weren’t born like that.”

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