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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Delicate Little Man Kept Awake All Night By Having Coffee After Four O’Clock

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Tossing and turning way past his beddy-bye, delicate little man Jeremy Palazola was reportedly unable to sleep Tuesday night because he drank a teensy bit of coffee after four o’clock. “I’ll have a cup in the morning sometimes, but that’s usually it,” said the precious flower, who tried and tried to keep his eyes closed but remained wide awake from the itty-bitty beverage he had 10 hours earlier. “I knew I shouldn’t have had any during the afternoon meeting, but I was just feeling so out of it.” At press time—oh no!—the darling little angel was getting a big tummy ache.

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