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Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

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HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology

Tech Juggernaut Poised To Take On Mega-Rival Compaq

ROUND ROCK, TX—The tech world reeled Tuesday on reports that personal computer powerhouse Dell had been acquired by competitor Gateway 2000 in a $24.4 billion buyout that unites two of the industry’s top players as they look to take on perennial market frontrunner Compaq. “This is a watershed moment in which two tech-sector titans have forged a powerful alliance against a common rival,” market analyst Darren Jacobs said after news of the mega-deal propelled Dell’s stock to record levels, leaving industry leaders like Acer, NEC, and Lenovo in the dust. “Together, these two visionary forces will be capable of offering some of the largest desktops and monitors on the market, as well as black-and-white printers, color printers, high-speed disk drives—you name it. If I were Compaq—or Packard Bell, for that matter—I’d be very nervous right now.” At press time, the web was abuzz with rumors that the new company will roll out a revamped version of the iconic Dell Dimension Pentium desktop, which sources said will come preloaded with Windows 95 and be sold in Gateway’s beloved and ubiquitous cow-print boxes.

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