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Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology

Tech Juggernaut Poised To Take On Mega-Rival Compaq

ROUND ROCK, TX—The tech world reeled Tuesday on reports that personal computer powerhouse Dell had been acquired by competitor Gateway 2000 in a $24.4 billion buyout that unites two of the industry’s top players as they look to take on perennial market frontrunner Compaq. “This is a watershed moment in which two tech-sector titans have forged a powerful alliance against a common rival,” market analyst Darren Jacobs said after news of the mega-deal propelled Dell’s stock to record levels, leaving industry leaders like Acer, NEC, and Lenovo in the dust. “Together, these two visionary forces will be capable of offering some of the largest desktops and monitors on the market, as well as black-and-white printers, color printers, high-speed disk drives—you name it. If I were Compaq—or Packard Bell, for that matter—I’d be very nervous right now.” At press time, the web was abuzz with rumors that the new company will roll out a revamped version of the iconic Dell Dimension Pentium desktop, which sources said will come preloaded with Windows 95 and be sold in Gateway’s beloved and ubiquitous cow-print boxes.

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