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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Dell Acquired By Gateway 2000 In Merger Of 2 Biggest Names In Computer Technology

Tech Juggernaut Poised To Take On Mega-Rival Compaq

ROUND ROCK, TX—The tech world reeled Tuesday on reports that personal computer powerhouse Dell had been acquired by competitor Gateway 2000 in a $24.4 billion buyout that unites two of the industry’s top players as they look to take on perennial market frontrunner Compaq. “This is a watershed moment in which two tech-sector titans have forged a powerful alliance against a common rival,” market analyst Darren Jacobs said after news of the mega-deal propelled Dell’s stock to record levels, leaving industry leaders like Acer, NEC, and Lenovo in the dust. “Together, these two visionary forces will be capable of offering some of the largest desktops and monitors on the market, as well as black-and-white printers, color printers, high-speed disk drives—you name it. If I were Compaq—or Packard Bell, for that matter—I’d be very nervous right now.” At press time, the web was abuzz with rumors that the new company will roll out a revamped version of the iconic Dell Dimension Pentium desktop, which sources said will come preloaded with Windows 95 and be sold in Gateway’s beloved and ubiquitous cow-print boxes.

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