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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Delonte West Stays After Practice To Work On His Fouls

CLEVELAND—Upset with his lackluster fouling performance through Game 4 of the NBA conference finals, Cavaliers guard Delonte West stayed after team practice to work on fouling drills Wednesday night. "I still haven't gotten into a good fouling rhythm yet," said West, who joined Anderson Varejao and Dahntay Jones for two extra hours to practice knocking down one another's shooting arms. "We need to go back to basics and commit fundamentally sound fouls, so we're doing the classic drills—the Hammerdown, the Hot Swat, and Murder-Suicides, where we run to the foul line, shove a guy down, run to half-court, headlock a guy. We are not going to win this series unless we're punching [Hedo] Turkoglu in the face and throwing our hands up in the air to indicate that it was not a foul." West ended the interview by catching a reporter in the jaw with his elbow and pushing him to the ground.

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