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Travel

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Humble Ascetic Declines In-Flight Beverage Service

NEW YORK—Choosing to fast in an apparent attempt to reach an elevated plane of existence, humble ascetic Jonathan Weaver declined the complimentary snack and beverage service during his flight from New York to Atlanta, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Everyone On Flight Annoyed By Screaming Kid Rock

LOS ANGELES—Passengers on flight 657 from Detroit to Los Angeles confirmed Wednesday that the trip was repeatedly disrupted by the noisy and obnoxious behavior of an annoying Kid Rock seated in the fifth row.

Zip-Lining Day Trip To Somehow Save Marriage

CONCORD, NH—According to sources, the deteriorating 10-year-old marriage of Dale and Gina Byer will somehow be magically restored this weekend by a zip-lining excursion to the mountains of northern New Hampshire.
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Travel

Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again

NEWARK, NJ—Citing the recent extreme winter weather that has caused widespread flight delays and cancellations across the country, Delta Airlines counter agent Karen Reinhardt gave stranded man Rod Sloan her personal assurance Tuesday that he will never, ever see his family again. “Sir, you have my word, the word of our Newark crew, and the assurance of the entire Delta Airlines corporation that you will never feel your wife’s warm embrace or see the loving faces of your three young children ever again,” said Reinhardt, who also guaranteed that the recent holidays Sloan spent with his family will surely be his last. “I promise that you are now a man with no family, no home, no center; an outcast; a wanderer unmoored to all you once held dear, left to start anew in a cold and forbidding land. Let me know if there is anything else we can help you with.” Reinhardt went on to reassure Sloan that he would never lay eyes on his checked baggage again, either.

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