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Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again

NEWARK, NJ—Citing the recent extreme winter weather that has caused widespread flight delays and cancellations across the country, Delta Airlines counter agent Karen Reinhardt gave stranded man Rod Sloan her personal assurance Tuesday that he will never, ever see his family again. “Sir, you have my word, the word of our Newark crew, and the assurance of the entire Delta Airlines corporation that you will never feel your wife’s warm embrace or see the loving faces of your three young children ever again,” said Reinhardt, who also guaranteed that the recent holidays Sloan spent with his family will surely be his last. “I promise that you are now a man with no family, no home, no center; an outcast; a wanderer unmoored to all you once held dear, left to start anew in a cold and forbidding land. Let me know if there is anything else we can help you with.” Reinhardt went on to reassure Sloan that he would never lay eyes on his checked baggage again, either.

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