adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

Delta Airlines Counter Agent Assures Man He Will Never See His Family Again

NEWARK, NJ—Citing the recent extreme winter weather that has caused widespread flight delays and cancellations across the country, Delta Airlines counter agent Karen Reinhardt gave stranded man Rod Sloan her personal assurance Tuesday that he will never, ever see his family again. “Sir, you have my word, the word of our Newark crew, and the assurance of the entire Delta Airlines corporation that you will never feel your wife’s warm embrace or see the loving faces of your three young children ever again,” said Reinhardt, who also guaranteed that the recent holidays Sloan spent with his family will surely be his last. “I promise that you are now a man with no family, no home, no center; an outcast; a wanderer unmoored to all you once held dear, left to start anew in a cold and forbidding land. Let me know if there is anything else we can help you with.” Reinhardt went on to reassure Sloan that he would never lay eyes on his checked baggage again, either.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close