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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He’s Going To Get Oscar Nomination

LOS ANGELES—According to sources close to the sadly delusional man, a pathetic Hollywood local is under the impression that he is actually on the verge of receiving an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor. “He mentioned to me recently that he thought his chances of being Oscar-nominated for a movie he was in this year were pretty good and I just thought, ‘Oh my God, how pitiful is this? This poor bastard actually thinks he’s got a shot at an Academy Award nomination,’” said an anonymous source of the heartbreakingly misguided man, who reports confirmed is so completely deluded that he genuinely believes there is “buzz” around his performance in the film, and that all of Hollywood not only knows him, but is talking about him. “I mean, to be so clueless and so lacking in any kind of perspective or self-awareness that you actually think the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is going to recognize your work with an Oscar nomination? I just wanted to say to him, ‘What, are you nuts? That is never going to happen.’ I guess Hollywood is full of people like him, though: wishers and dreamers. It’s pretty sad.” At press time, the man’s agent and manager were apparently just going to let the confused man believe his pitiful little hopes and dreams for the next couple of weeks before they are officially crushed forever on January 16th.

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