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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Ringo Starr Announces 26th Beatles Album With New Backing Band

‘Moonbeam Sunday’ Slated For Release On June 16

LONDON—Excitedly informing fans that the iconic pop group was back with more original music, Ringo Starr announced Tuesday that on June 16 he would be releasing a 26th Beatles album titled ‘Moonbeam Sunday’ with an all-new backing band.
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Delusional Man Somehow Thinks He’s Going To Get Oscar Nomination

LOS ANGELES—According to sources close to the sadly delusional man, a pathetic Hollywood local is under the impression that he is actually on the verge of receiving an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor. “He mentioned to me recently that he thought his chances of being Oscar-nominated for a movie he was in this year were pretty good and I just thought, ‘Oh my God, how pitiful is this? This poor bastard actually thinks he’s got a shot at an Academy Award nomination,’” said an anonymous source of the heartbreakingly misguided man, who reports confirmed is so completely deluded that he genuinely believes there is “buzz” around his performance in the film, and that all of Hollywood not only knows him, but is talking about him. “I mean, to be so clueless and so lacking in any kind of perspective or self-awareness that you actually think the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is going to recognize your work with an Oscar nomination? I just wanted to say to him, ‘What, are you nuts? That is never going to happen.’ I guess Hollywood is full of people like him, though: wishers and dreamers. It’s pretty sad.” At press time, the man’s agent and manager were apparently just going to let the confused man believe his pitiful little hopes and dreams for the next couple of weeks before they are officially crushed forever on January 16th.

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